The Light in my Chest [NamJin fanfic]

Chapter Six: Wreaked Princess

Warning: heavy abuse and homophobic comments are made in this chapter. Please skip if you feel uncomfortable. Of course, this is not based on real events and does not in any way reflect the people in this story or my own views. The character that does cause harm is a fictional one and is not based on anyone real. We should be able to love who we want no matter the gender. In no way does any person deserve this.

I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling. It has been a week since the whole incident with Namjoon. I can't believe I kissed him, even if it was on the cheek. Namjoon was on my mind again and it confused me to no extent. I shouldn't be thinking about him but I can't avoid it, he is after all my soulmate. I haven't even told my parents about it yet, then again I don't expect them to be too happy. My father is a strict traditional guy and believes that women should be with men. Even if it is inevitable, he believes that those who are of the same gender are 'cursed'. Ironic how his son is destined to be with a man. I sigh heavily, rubbing my hands against my face. What am I going to do?

It was clear that Namjoon wanted to try and make things work but there is too much hurt. How can I ever love him when all I can remember are those hurtful words he said to me every day? How can I be with him when all I can think about is how he beat me to a pulp? He isn't a loyal person as he has never stayed with one person for more than a week. Sleeping around is his specialty. God! Out of all the people in the world, I get Kim Namjoon! I groan loudly, rolling onto my side and stretching. I need to talk to someone about this, I don't know what to do. Maybe I could talk to my mum? I mean she should know what to do, she has gone through this before. I begin to walk downstairs, trying to think of what I should say. Maybe, I won't tell her it's a guy and just pretends it's a girl. I nod in affirmation and continue my journey into the kitchen.

My mother's back is facing me as she types loudly on her computer. I sigh loudly, I've got this. I can do this.
"Mum?"
"Yes, Seokjin?" she asked, not turning from her spot.
"Well...the other day I-" I froze, I couldn't bring myself to say it. She would hate me, and even if I said it was a girl she would be begging me to see her. I don't know what to do! Why would I think this was a good idea? But she is my mother, and out of my parents, I feel she would understand me better.
"Seokjin?"
"Mum...I wanted to say that" come on Seokjin just lie, say that Taehyung fell over a cone today which actually did happen, "I found my soulmate!"

YOU IDIOT! YOU HAD ONE JOB! ONE GODDAMN JOB!

It remained silent for a while making me feel more anxious, she turned around and looked at me with wide eyes.
"That's great news! Is she pretty? Is she nice?" She began interrogating me, I want to bury myself in a grave and die.
"Uh...sure?" I attempt, rubbing my nape. I can't turn back now.
"Seokjin you don't answer a question with a question," she said eyeing me suspiciously. I kept my eyes down, paying attention to the cracked floor.
"Well, the thing is...i-its a...male" I stuttered, the moment I revealed the truth the atmosphere became uncomfortable. Even if I didn't see it for myself I could feel the disappointment, the repulsiveness; at that very moment I felt like Kim Seokjin was a complete stranger; she was silent as if questioning who the person in front of her was. I played with the hem of my jumper. I mean sure it was obvious? I've never really shown interest in girls when I was little, I knew deep down that I had always been attracted to males.

"M-mum?" I used all my courage to try and look into her eyes. She didn't look at me, her face was scrunched with worry.
"If your father found out about this...h-he'd kill you," she said blankly, not meeting my eyes, she turned her back again not moving. Never in my entire life have I heard her stutter, and whilst that could be the least important thing right now, stuttering only meant one thing...fear. Was she scared to be in my presence? Or scared that my father found out?