The Great Escape || a.i. *completed & editing*

2.8

"You don't need to keep doing this Sarah," Ashton said into my shoulder.

"Keep doing what?" I asked, pulling away enough to hold his face and look at him directly in the eyes.

"You keep doing this," he said. "You keep telling me you love me only when I'm crying in your arms or something. Tell me when I'm not weak, and when I'm not at the point where I'll believe everything I hear."

"It's not like that, Ashton," I said. "I've been too scared to tell you any other time. And I figured you needed to hear it of all times right now."

"Well you haven't said it to me when I haven't been crying or depressed in any way," he said. "It's hard to believe you mean it when you do that."

"Ashton I wouldn't tell you when you would believe it if it weren't true," I said. "Do you really think I'm that low?"

"I don't know what to think anymore," he said. "Thinking always ends in something bad."

"Not thinking also ends in something bad." I didn't need to mention the fact that neither of us were thinking when we had sex.

"That's thinking with your heart rather than your brain," he said. "And it usually ends in something good."

"If your heart told you that we should have sex then why did you call it a mistake?" I asked. "Because usually your heart tells you what you should do."

"I don't know, Sarah!" Ashton rubbed his eyes. "I just know that it shouldn't have happened."

"Why not?" I asked. "Did you not enjoy it?"

"Shit Sarah!" He looked at me. "How could you not believe that was one of the best nights of my life?"

"Then why are you refusing this?" I asked, hurt and confused. He isn't making any sense.

He looked right into my eyes and we just held that gaze for a while. I didn't know what he was thinking and I hoped he didn't know what I was thinking either.

"I don't know," he said, softening his tone a little bit. "I just know that we shouldn't be any more than friends."

I sighed. One of these days I'm going to get the courage to ask why not.

"I came over here because I'm ashamed of what I just did," he said. "I didn't mean for this to turn into another argument about where we stand in our relationship or friendship or whatever."

"I know," I said. "I'm sorry."

He wrapped his arms around me, leaning his face into my shoulder again. "Can I stay tonight?"

"You can stay anytime you want," I said.

Ashton pulled away and looked at me. His eyes were red from crying and cheeks were blotchy and tear stained.

I didn't like seeing him this way. This was Ashton, he was always so happy and cherry and seeing him cry made me want to cry.

I stood and climbed over to my bed, taking off my sweatshirt as Ashton took of his shirt and jeans and climbed into bed with me. He wrapped his arm around me and I laid my head on his shoulder, wrapping one arm around his waist.

I reached for his hand and he gave it to me. I ran my fingers gently along the cuts on his wrist, making him wince slightly.

"Does it hurt?" I asked.

"Considering it's only less than an hour old, yes," he said. "But tomorrow it won't hurt at all."

I felt my chest ache again knowing he does this. I will never just get used to it, he has to stop.