joshler oneshots

sell your soul, not your whole self

summary:

because josh is screaming.
because josh is terrified.

words: 930

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i wanted to address josh's anxiety because it is rarely brought up; everyone has their own demons and they should be brought to light.

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josh is cold.
josh is so cold.

he can feel the cold tips of his fingers as he digs his nails into his hands because he can't feel anything, he's just so cold and numb.

and josh can't breathe, doesn't have the air to draw up a scream.

josh has had an epiphany.

josh is nothing,
nothing without tyler.

tyler is here. tyler is fighting. tyler is caring. tyler is singing.

tyler can do anything he wants, and he could leave josh in the sand with the splitered pieces of his heart digging into his hands.

and josh is nothing, a background noise, a white static.

when he's on the stage, they're screaming for tyler.

they listen to the songs, they think about tyler.

they watch the music videos, they're watching for tyler.

and josh knows that, but he can't accept because he's for tyler and if tyler leaves josh is less than nothing less than nothing josh is negative.

and tyler doesn't need josh. tyler is beautiful and lovely and talented and he can do anything, and all it would take is a sentence and a blink and he would be gone, because josh is not here but he is there.

and the voices call, they seduce and they threaten and they tell josh, stay here, don't go back. you are nothing.

and now josh is clawing at his neck with too cold hands because he can't breathe and the cold is freezing him from the inside out and there is something warm dripping down his neck and josh hears the voice of an angel.

but it is too broken, and it catches and grates as sobs break through the beautiful weaving song.

and tyler is there, tyler is sobbing and tyler is wrapping around him and tyler, tyler is so warm.

tyler's hands are burning hot as he links his hands with josh's and his voice wavers as the cold of josh's skin seeps into him, breaking and telling and blue is flushing josh's skin, it looks so foreign against the rose of tyler.

and his voice breaks completely as he holds his free hand against josh's face and he chokes out, eyes begging josh to please stay please stay i can't live without you, i am nothing.

the warmth of tyler's hand is soaking through josh's layers, and his voice sings and weaves around the maze of josh's head and it echos in the vastness.

"sell your soul, not your whole self."

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tyler is burning.

there are too many things in his mind, screaming, yelling, burning telling him to listen to do this or that.

the fire is clouding his eyes, and he can't see, he can't see and he wants to cry, he needs to get out get out he can't stay here.

tyler vaguely feels the cold hardwood beneath him as he hits the ground.

and tyler can't move, because he can feel and he's feeling so much, too much and he's been thinking too much, help me. the burning is the only sensation he feels, and it clouds his mind until his fingers are tingling and he feels like he must be cracking from the heat.

a scream, cold and sharp rips through his consciousness and the burning is leaving, and icy cold is replacing it, because fear has reached in and wrapped it's frigid hands around his fiery heart, and he shivers, stumbling towards the door and gasping because there's only one other person here right now.

and tyler panics, because nothing can happen to josh, not to josh, because tyler can't live without him. if josh is gone tyler would burn, tyler would burn away until nothing but his ashes were floating.

and more than that, tyler needs josh. he can't, can't imagine, doesn't want to imagine being without josh because tyler thinks, and he thinks too much but this is something he cannot, will not think of.

he stumbles down the hallway, there is silence again and tyler's skin is flushing red. when he shoves the door open, josh is lying on the floor and his mouth is open in an helpless, silent scream and blue is running through his veins, and there are long scratch marks burning an angry red into josh's pale skin, and the wrongness of it makes tyler want to throw up. josh doesn't deserve to suffer, tyler won't let him suffer.

he tugs at josh's hands from where they grapple at his neck, and his voice pulls out, and it isn't beautiful but it's present and josh is sobbing, and tyler can almost hear the thoughts in josh's mind, and josh is so cold.

tyler grasps their hands together and puts his free hand on josh's pale face, and his eyes are wide and panicked and glassy, but there is a warmth returning to him, bit by bit. and josh looks so small and vulnerable that he wants to wrap him up and love him and never let anything touch him ever again.

now josh is looking at him, and he looks so genuinely terrified that tyler lets out a sob and pulls him into a tight hug, because josh's demons are emerging and he can't fight tyler's if he has his own.

tyler is singing words, a song, and it seems to make josh relax, so he keeps singing and he pulls a blanket off the bed next to him and he wraps josh up.

josh instinctively pulls it closer and leans into tyler, and maybe it was just tyler's imagination, but josh felt warm.

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stay alive.