The Finest Potato Stories

gru potato

There once was a potato who thought he was a human. he even looked like a human. he had a dimpled chin, a long nose and no hair. he had acquired many servants over the years, and they referred to him as Gru.

The name was from his favourite movie, Despicable Me. Oh, how the tears racked his body evey time he watched it.

Gru lived in a largely human free world, courtesy of the potato scientists who had caged them. The only humans left were bug sized and made for perfect servants. In fact, his very own servants were humans.

Gru's favourite thing to do was sit atop his golden throne. He liked the way his ruby coloured, fur encrusted robe swept around his non existent feet. His tiny servants would serve him foods and drinks on silver platters.

He liked his servants, but in some ways he also hated them. Sometimes he threw food in their faces if it was not the perfect taste. (He ate dirt. It had to be chemical free, bug free, life free, potato free (hes not a cannibal) and obviously he needed some sprinkles of human to enhance the taste.)

One day Gru was sitting in his dirt bed when a servant interrupted his peace.

"Oqndhownxipqlgxu" it said annoyingly. The noise reminded Gru of a rotten tree.

"Wiickwhconqpco." Gru responded, which translated rougly to "leave me alone you turd faced monkey!"

The tiny squeak jumped into the dirt pile and screamed "jrkwkfoaflapnch." (Poop face).

Gru burrowed deeper in his dirt, leaving only his eye uncovered. This was a bad choice because the human stabbed his eyeball and Gru died and went to an alternate realm where he was a human.

"I always was meant to be a human." Gru sighed, his already perfect english resounding through the Earth.

His mother screamed as her newborn son spoke and almost threw him.

"What are you?" The woman scowled at him.

"I am a potato." Gru flashed his white teeth. He knew his mother would have a good life with him.

(His mother actually had to deal with a 'potato' son for the rest of his life, which was somewhat distressing, but she still kind of lovd him. At least Gru thought she did.)