The Girl With the Scars

Chapter Forty-Four

“You know, I don’t think I really told you much about my past before” Spencer said adjusting himself on the hospital bed so he was sitting upright.

“You never wanted to” I stated confused as to why he was bringing up what had always been such a touchy subject.

“I want to...now” He said playing with the hem of his gown.

“I wouldn’t say I had the worst childhood, I always knew that someone out there had it worse and that’s what would get me through the darkest days you know, as if any sort of self pity would ruin me. I used to come home from school...more like hell, I had anxiety and I always felt the need to do good to be good so that maybe just maybe my parents would love me, they would look at me with the same amount of respect and admiration they had for Jason but that never happened and days would pass and I would keep trying. I’d get good grades but Jason would get an award, I was always so frowned upon. The anxiety would just eat me up, I was over-thinking every aspect of my life every second of the day and I started to feel trapped, I felt paralyzed so one day I just gave up. I didn’t want to be the perfect child anymore. I just didn’t care, I didn’t want to be the burden anymore” He said as his face contoured into an expression of pain and disappointment.

“But when Jason was the one who got into trouble, I had to save him. He was my blood, and no matter how much I can lie, I could never say I hated him. But the people he had became to know were too dangerous for me to handle on my own so I met these guys and it spiraled down from there, I would stay out late and steal from corner stores which led to bigger crimes and eventually they asked me to become a part of them. I didn’t even understand what I was doing at the time; I was too young, too naive.I  lived with Matt, the leader of the gang, we became close like brothers and when he was shot I had to take responsibly for my new family. I had to become the leader.”

“I thought that I could handle it, you know sell some drugs here and there and protect them but I was only fucking 15 I didn’t know what I was doing I had to kill people I had to shoot them and watch as they bled to death because of me. Granted they weren’t innocent but I wasn’t proud of it” He continued and I listened silently.

"The day I saw you again though god you were so stupid! I mean who just walks into a gang fight” He said in a sarcastic tone.

“I wasn’t too surprised as only a few hours prior you were singing some Selena Gomez song and dancing like an idiot not realizing that people could see” He said.

“It was Taylor Swift” I mumbled under my breath and he chuckled.

“The point was you’re an idiot” He said taunting me

“That’s not very nice” I stated huffing and his smile slowly faltered.

“I’m not a nice person, I’m a terrible man whose karma finally caught up with him” He said staring at the wall.

“Don’t you dare do this Spence” I said grabbing a hold of his hand and tugging on it so he would face me.

“Hey, listen to me, you did what you had to, you didn’t have a choice and so what if you made some mistakes along the way that doesn’t define who you are” I said and I could almost feel the pain I saw in his eyes.

“Spencer you fucking moron, you are the most amazing person I have ever met in my life and I refuse to sit here and see you dehumanize yourself over some stupid decisions you made when you were a fucking teenager” I half yelled.

“I love you so god damn much it hurts and the thought of losing you fuck I don’t even know what I’m going to do, what anyone is going to do because you mean that much to us and if you were even half as bad as you think you are then none of us would be here right now Spence” I said shaking my head and before I could continue there was a knock on the door.