Dear Connor

its all in my head.

*authors note: i ment to write and upload this yesterday, its not long, but im watching my aunts 3 year old son and he is a handful. and i dont have time. This weekend im spending with my s/o and wont write at all. im turning my phone off once i arrive on base. (yay for us military girlfriends). and i havent read over it to correct any mistakes (i know there are at least more then a few)

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There they were our children chasing each other around the back yard. Little Connor was chasing Emma with his dinosaur toy. His blonde brown hair looking just like yours when he was your age, and those hazel eyes, a mix of ours. Emma's curly brown hair getting in her face as she's running away from her big brother, and those green eyes, those matched yours.

"Hey beautiful need some help?"

"Huh? Oh umm no it's ok I got it" you distracted me from my thoughts.

"How is the baby?"

You came up to me and placed your cheek on my swollen belly.

"Our girls are kicking"

"Girls? When did you decide were having more daughters?" I wasn't trying to be mean, but all you talked about was baby girl names, not thinking about what if we had another son, or two for that matter since were having twins.

You got up and shrugged "I just know"

"You know husband of mine, if were having boys I am so going to laugh at you, we do need to find two boy names just in case, were 30 weeks along, they'll be coming soon"

"I know, but you need to stop working, what if your water breaks and you're far away?"

"Connor, we agreed with that, I wasn't going to stop you from your career and you wouldn't stop me from mine. I don't have a dangerous job, I am not a cop, I gave that up to be your wife. I am an architect I draw and draft designs for a living, and for the record I do a damn good job. Make room in your office for me, and ill start working at home while the kids are in school, but I won't stop I like what I do too much. Ill take a month or two off and work on smaller projects in-between."

"Arianna, it wouldn't look right and you know it. You're a pastors wife. You're my wife, and you know how this town is. They expect you to be only a stay at home housewife and your not, you are a working mother and with my jobs it doesn't look right."

"They also expected you to marry a white southern girl, and you didn't. You married me a mixed race opinionated woman from the west coast. They can say whatever they want to say. I am not the typical pastors wife but I am trying. I do whatever I am asked, I cook every week for the services and everything that goes on at your church. I work forty hours plus a weeks. I keep a clean home, our children are respectful. And I keep you happy, if they don't like that, then they can kiss my pregnant ass."

You kissed me then. "I love you Annie" you never did ever call me Ari like everyone else.

"I love you too Connor"

You smiled, "I know you do"

I rolled my eyes. "Your lucky they don't know the other side of you. They would think I corrupted you."

You laughed. I loved your laugh. "oh sweetheart it's the other way around and only you know it"

We took lunch out to Connor and Emma, Emma seen you and screamed daddy. Oh our little girl was a daddy's girl, little Connor dropped his toy and picked up the soccer ball he wanted you to play with him. They both loved you, we had happy children and I am so thankful for that.

That afternoon we took them to the animal shelter to get new puppies, because obviously the eight year old lab we had wasn't enough.

Two weeks later the nursery was finished, neutral colors since we didn't know what we were having, and you made your office into our office. Life was amazing and I wouldn't change a thing.

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August 22, 2009.

Dear Connor,

Hey Connor, I had a dream with you in it last night. It was perfect, its dreams like that, that make me want you here even more. We moved into the same town your family lived in, in South Carolina. We had a family, pets a big house, family and friends who lived close by (your side) jobs we both loved. Things were just great.

I know its been awhile since I last wrote, not that long but long enough. My English teacher gave us a paper last week it was due yesterday. It had to be about an event or person that changed our lives. Ooo that was such an easy one. I wrote about you. And I had to read it to the class. No one really expected it to be that personal but maybe one of my friends who she said I should write about you. And guess what I was given a C on the paper because she said I did it wrong. I seriously dislike that teacher. I followed her format, I just don't think she likes me. It was about falling in love with your best friend and life going so perfect and then having him taken from me and how I have changed because of the events. I even included that article about your death. 'local hiker falls more then 100 feet off waterfall' I hate that article but it was proof and some made up story for a paper.

Criminal investigations has gone pretty good so far, my police reports just keep getting better and better. He has me being the victims for our ohmygosh what is the word for roll playing things? I don't know, but you know what I mean. And that is fun, I don't act like you did but I enjoyed it. Sometimes I was the bad guy, sometimes I wasn't, being the victim isn't as fun as leading the 'cops' on the scene on a wild goose chase. He gave my role and I did them.

Math has been easy, so nothing new to report. I know all the west kids in class and the east kids I don't talk with.

Government with Jordan has been how I thought it would be like. Were getting things done, but not at the pace I want it to be at. We will fix that. We do a lot mini projects per unit. And I like how he teaches the class, hands on is how I learn and that's what we do.

Seventh period office ta has calmed down. I work in attendance most of the time, those lady's keep me busy. I organize emergency cards, tardy passes, and all those little papers we get in there. I have answered a few phone calls when they weren't in. And did the mail room stuff. Busy but good.

Second period econ with Kiki. I like that class a lot. And not only because she is in it. He has two styles of homework packet for each chapter. One of them he does all the work with little drawing's on the board, and then you have to have a summery at the end of each part in the chapter. Me and Kiki don't do that, I like doing the work because I learn it then. We do the outlines, which means we read the chapter and take notes and do the vocabulary and the questions at the end. With the outlines you can get extra credit if you have a parent signature on your check off sheet. Umm total win.

Sixth period with Jordan is not as busy because he keeps driving me nuts, but he has charmed all the office lady's. Only that boy would. Its more of a hang out period or catch up period if we need to do homework or something.

All my friends are doing good. And my family is doing great, so is Jordan's. I am still talking to Cam. One day I know things will get better. But your always on my mind, just a little part of you I am always thinking about. I see you when I'm diving alone. I know its not really you but just my mind playing tricks on me. And I don't tell anyone that. I need people checking up on me like I'm going to do something stupid.

I love you Connor ~Ari