Secret Diaries (Heartlake Cliche #1)

Chapter Twenty-Eight

January 19, 2011

When you tell someone you love him, you don’t shout it out in anger.

     Tourists often get amazed at how majestic Heart Lake looked like during the day. There was something almost hypnotic at how the water sparkled when the sun’s rays touched its smooth surface. It always made people think that one could walk on it without falling into the water, and actually touch the light coming from the sky.  

     It was, however, the mystery that engulfed the lake during the night that astonished those few who were bold enough to wait until the night had fallen and everything had become a part of the unknown. At this time, it would seem that the flashes of light reflected by Heart Lake was one’s only hope in finding salvation from the darkness that had settled within.

     Rachelle sat on the bench that had always been her sanctuary when she wanted—needed—to think. For years, it was the lake that had given her solace whenever troubles and doubts started to fill her heart. It had been witness to her bouts of laughter and loud cheers of excitement. The lake was her confidant, her most avid listener. In more ways than one, it was her best friend next to Nick. She would reflect on some of her best and worst experiences right here, by this bench. Tonight, it seemed, will add to the mountain of memories that she had allowed the lake to see.

     Tears began to form at the corners of her eyes and she took a deep breath to keep them from falling; ashamed to let even the lake see just how much she was hurting inside. Her feelings were in chaos but what bothered her most was the thought that she had failed yet again to prove that she was worthy of someone’s love and respect. Granted, she knew that her parents and Matt loved her unconditionally but she wanted an affirmation from someone who wasn’t her family that there wasn’t anything wrong with her after everything that had happened.

     Ever since her first boyfriend, she had always tried her best to have normal feelings towards a relationship. Most of the time, however, she merely ended up feeling more troubled to the point that she could no longer give back the same amount of love she got from the boys who had dated her.

     Nick once told her that she needed to respect herself first before anyone else would but how could she? How was she supposed to respect herself when all she saw was the ambitious girl from the past who was so stupid to believe that she could get what she wanted when she wanted it? How was she supposed to love herself when she always saw herself being harassed because she had ‘asked’ for it?

     These questions ran through her mind in shambles and a cry escaped from her lips. It was enough to break her tough act defense and she sobbed, worse than any she had ever cried. She planted her face in her hands, barely able to hold herself up from the fierce way her tears were trying to rush out of her eyes.

     In the past, she gave up on a relationship because even though most of her boyfriends had been wonderful, not one of them was able to show her how to love herself. What made her encounter with Liam worse than the others was that he had never planned to love her right from the start. It was like a slap in the face, only, it wasn’t a hand that hit her. It was her worst fears that had struck her with the violence that she thought she deserved. Liam had become the embodiment of those fears which brutally broke her heart.

     And now, somewhere at the back of her mind, she wondered again if she would ever really manage to love herself.

*****

     Nick watched his best friend cry in anguish, chastising himself for not seeing Milton for who he really was. He felt each of Rachelle’s sobs stab him as if he was the one responsible for her heartache.