You Took It All Away

Chapter 27: Jane

It's been almost year. I know. I don't really have much to say. A lot has happened and honestly I don't feel like explaining things. I am back, I think, and I am ready to write again. I am sorry for taking so long and I am grateful for those who have been messaging me, leaving comments and voting. Thank you for still believing in me. This chapter is unedited, so don't be too disgusted by the lack of grammar, I'll fix it by the end of the weekend. Enjoy.

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Chapter 27: Jane

December, 2007.

It was the third night after the return of Sebastian and his friends that I found myself unable to sleep.

It was the same feeling of restlessness when the apartment was dark and silent, and Elena dead asleep while Sebastian slept on the couch of the living room, that got me every time. It was the then that the realizations sank in. It was when Sebastian's determined expression to stay close to me and leave only during short periods of time and linger here during nightfall that it all came crashing down to me.

I couldn't live without him.

I didn't know whether it was a physical attachment or if it was purely psychological. I felt empty when he wasn't there; full of anxiety and panic that only his voice could bring into an absolute calm.

It was scary because it happened more than once; when the panic hit, my brain shut down for a moment and the air left my lungs, only to come right back up when my brain processed the fact that Sebastian was here.

Elena's presence only made it worse because she took away the fear I felt for him. It was no longer there, as if it disappeared all after that conversation my brain replayed in my head over and over again. As he stared at me with those piercing blue eyes and when his calloused fingers touched my shoulders ever so gently making me feel like I was made of glass, I couldn't be afraid of him. It was impossible.

My days seemed more complete and clear when he was there, just sitting in the couch while I was finishing up an assignment for one of my courses, or finishing up a last minute homework lesson due in the early morning the next day.

He wouldn't say a word. It was almost as if he wasn't there, barely getting up not more than a couple of time to fill up a plate of food for himself and me.

Sometimes he made me drinks, leaving them on the table, silently leaving me to my school work, and sometimes he sat behind me and read a book I swear I saw in the library shelf of his apartment. Sometimes, he even helped me with my math homework, never asking questions, never judging me, never giving me an indication of what his thoughts were. I didn't know whether I was more grateful or irritated.

Sebastian didn't mention anything about Varo, or the club, or 'owning' me, or anything that would force me to listen to him. He was just there, sitting quietly, waiting patiently, helpful...almost like a friend.

That thought scared me, because I wasn't ready for that step yet. I wasn't ready for him to feel close enough to me and ask me questions that I wasn't willing to answer. I wasn't ready to share things with him like I did with Elena. I still felt overwhelmed by him. I still felt a couple of steps back from being something as similar as a friend.

At times, I recalled our conversation of the night of his fight, trying to understand when the lines blurred; when hate no longer became hate and when fear no longer dominated my thoughts when he was near.

"What about you?" I whispered, afraid of his answer. "Didn't you think of letting me go?"

Sebastian lay silent for a moment before he finally responded, "I may be seeking redemption and forgiveness from you, Jane, but I am a selfish bastard who would never let you go. Not when every single fiber of my being screamed that you were the only one who could save me from myself."