Do I Wanna Know

Chapter 25

Falling asleep with Camila so close to me, was blissful and torturous at the same time. I knew I would have to leave once my alarm went off. The fact that I had pretended to be asleep to avoid dealing with the arising doubt was the even more painful part. I felt bad. But there were times, where I would go back to my old ways and be in denial of what I felt. Unfortunately, I had done it again as I had watched the video and all the unwanted memories had flooded my system. Still, I enjoyed the intimacy of sleeping with Camila, without “sleeping” with Camila. We had done that before but not as an actual couple. It eased my tension to hear her even breathing and I was able to let go of my guilt enough so I was able to fall asleep.

My phone started buzzing at 4 am and I reached for the device immediately, before I’d wake up Camila as well. Apparently I was too late, though.

“Nooooo…”, I heard her breathy voice whining behind me. Turning my alarm off, I turned around to face the younger woman. Her eyes were sleepy and only half open but it was the most adorable thing.

“I don’t want you to go”, she whispered and tightened her arms around me.

“Trust me, I don’t want to get up either”, I replied and saw her brown eyes opening fully. She leaned in and placed a tender kiss on my lips. My heart fluttered instantly when she did that. It was surreal to me that we were actually together now. She let out a big sigh before kissing me again. This time more passionately and I felt a little desperation in the way she held on to me. I felt guilty once again for leaving her, when all I wanted was to just be here. I reciprocated her kiss with the same amount of passion and wanted to enjoy those last moments of affection.

Her leg hitched around my waist and I took a deep breath as she suddenly rolled me on my back. She straddled me and her hot breath fell on my parted lips.

“Let me at least give you a little parting gift”, she breathed and I felt her hand sliding down my stomach. Her fingertips had passed the waistband of my underwear when I grabbed her wrist. Camila looked at me now with obvious insecurity. She sat up slightly as she removed her hand.

“Why am I getting the feeling I’ve done something wrong?”, she asked carefully.

I was still struggling with what had happened the night before and my own stupid emotions. Upsetting her was the last thing I wanted; especially before I would leave. But I couldn’t ignore that annoying feeling of uncertainty when it came to Camila’s commitment- and my trust-issues. It was bound to create some chaos in my head, although I didn’t want it to.

“You haven’t”, I said sincerely.

“But?”

“But I have to leave and if you do this now, it’s going to be so much harder than it already is”, I said and that wasn’t a lie. It was not the most prominent reason for my refusal of her satisfying my needs but I didn’t want her to be worried.

“Are you sure there’s nothing going on? You can tell me if something’s wrong”, her low voice said and I sensed her trepidation. The brown eyes looked anxious and almost scared. I sat up now as well while she was still straddling my lap. Running both of my hands through her light-brown hair, she seemed to relax a little bit.

“Will you promise me something?”, I whispered.

“Anything”, she said in the same volume and stroked my arms in the process.

“When I’m done with the tour, promise me we’ll go to Italy.”

Her face lit up and I loved seeing her perfect lips forming a big smile before she bit her lower lip excitedly.

“Promise”, she said and I smiled as well before connecting our lips once more. Her immediate response was another, little sign to me that she was willing to commit long term, because it would be a while until I would be done with the tour. Those little moments were the ones I needed to silence that voice in my head. Her hand gripped the skin of my arm lovingly and she rested her forehead against mine. Looking into the warm shade of brown made my heart race every time.