Do I Wanna Know

Chapter 15

Sorry it took ages guys. Didn't have much time. Enjoy! :) Xx

CAMILA'S POV

I was just angry at the world. Lauren still being there for me made me furious because I wanted her to happy. And I wasn't making her happy. At least not right now. I wasn't sure whether I'd be able to give myself to her the way I had before. That fear of losing someone you loved so deeply was now instilled in me.

In my head there was no happy ending to us. She'd realize at some point how much better she could do than me. So why would I put myself through all of this when I knew I'd lose her in the end? Seeing her stare at me with those piercing green eyes just flared up even more inner turmoil, I did not want to deal with. I didn't want to feel anything. But I couldn't expect the older one to just wait around until I was back to old my ways. Maybe I'd never go back to my old self; I was damaged goods now and Lauren deserved more.

She was still waiting on my answer and I saw the fear in her eyes. I felt bad for basically putting her through the same thing I always did but I couldn't give her what she wanted.

"I'm not pushing you away", I said in a softer voice because I didn't want to let out all of my anger on the wrong person. "But I don't want you to wait for me either. I know that doesn't make any sense."

The dark-haired one still looked at me intently, trying to read what was going in my head. How would she know if I didn't even know myself?

"I know you think you're not worth waiting for, but I do", she said quietly and usually my heart would beat of control whenever she said things like that. But it didn't. I couldn't feel the organ that was, figuratively speaking, supposed to belong to her at all lately. "Tell me what you need, I'll do it."

"I need space", I said with a deep breath and saw Lauren's face falling. I hated this. I absolutely hated hurting her but keeping up what we had been doing lately was just as hurtful. Averting my eyes quickly from the visible pain in the emerald green ones, I was surprised to hear her speak again.

"Then I'll give you space", she said and I looked up to see her trying to stay strong. Her lips tried forming a reassuring smile but it looked sadder than she probably realized. "I don't want to pressure you and I don't want to lose you either. Let's just take some time apart, take all the time you need and...if you're ready, you know where to find me."

This was hard for her and I knew it. People often thought Lauren was controlling and overbearing but I knew why she appeared that way. She couldn't help herself when it came to people she loved and cared about. She cared so deeply, it was in her nature to try and do everything she could, for the ones that were hurting. It was a character trait I had always loved about her. In my current state though, it was too much to handle for my detached heart. Her willingness to back off and give me the space I needed, was probably tearing her apart but I felt it was the best decision for both of us. I didn't want her to hurt any more than she already did and the way I treated her was not fair.

"I'll see you", she said quietly because I was not saying anything and left the kitchen.

Watching her leave was a relief and torture at the same time. How on earth could I be feeling so many contradicting things all at once?

But that night was the start of me starting to feel again; no matter how confusing it was. Even though our confrontation didn't end well, she had forced me to deal with, at least a fraction of what I had been going through.

Days became weeks and weeks became months. Dealing with such a traumatic event was not easy by any means but it was true what they said; time healed all wounds. My wound had been so vast and that's why it took the amount of time it did, to slowly ease back into the person, I knew my mom wanted me to be. I went to cemetery, talked to my family and even a therapist to deal with the depression I had been feeling. The only person I didn't talk to was Lauren.