101 Reasons (A HUNDRED AND ONE REASONS NOW AVAILABLE IN BOOKSTORES)

Reason Number 32

There's some lives you live

And some you leave behind

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The hospital let me go today; they told me that I'll just catch some weird disease if I stayed longer. When Cassidy removed my intravenous line I had this certain feeling of freedom. I can now roam around freely! Not that I don't roam around when I still have it on me. It takes a lot of convincing to let my Mom agree that I go walk by the park this afternoon. She gave up when my Dad smiled and just nods, "She needs sometime on her own."

I sat by my favorite bench, it was where I met Enzo and his grandfather. Together with the chilling wind I let my mind surrender with the air, and let my thoughts fly and see where it'll lead me. What's there to life? I've been asking this question ever since I learned how to spell out my name. Why do we live? What do we get from living our lives? So many questions that needs to be answered just to put our minds at ease.

The time the doctor said I had cancer there's something in me that said, "Ann,stop asking. Just live the life you've always want to live." Though my head was filled with dark clouds that day, the moment Stan gave me his reasons, I started to stop asking and just continue on living. I learned that sometimes, I should just stop worrying and welcome whatever it is that will come my way. I remember my third visit with Sierra. I didn't know that it'll be the last time that I'll ever see her and yet that last talk meant so much to me.

"Hey Sierra. If given the chance to live again what kind of life would you want to live?"

Sierra looked at me confused but nevertheless she answered. "Why would I want to live another life?"

I tried to put my thoughts in a clearer way so that she will understand.

"Just because I'm sick that doesn't mean I would not want to live this life again. What if I chose to live another life, then I will have a different Dad. I can't imagine another life without him. Can you?"

I imagined a life without my Mom; though she nags a lot she still cooks the best meal in the world. I imagined my life without my Mom, without her nagging voice, without her long sermons, without her mad screams. I imagined my life without my Mom interfering in everything that I do. I can't. Then I imagined life without my Dad, without his calm voice every time I make mistakes, without his sigh whenever he gives in to my please. I imagined my life without my Dad's weird obsession in plants and cars. I can't.

Then it gets even harder when I tried to imagine my life without James. He is my best friend. When everybody else believes that their soul mates are their boyfriends, I believe mine is my brother. When they all think about their other halves, I think of James and how I cannot live without him. I imagined a life without him, I can't. I tried to imagine life without Stan, Lee, Aya, Enzo and even that bitchy Steph. I can't. Though they didn't know this, they mold my character and are part of who I am today. That geeky attitude where I don't want to fail any subject, that strong determination just to prove someone my worth, that sacrificing everything just to see someone happy, that giving someone happiness attitude that I wouldn't exchange for the world, even that bitchy side of me that protects those whom I love are all because of them. I imagined a life with lots of money, with no problems in the world, a life where cancer does not exist but without those whom I love most, I imagined it hard. So hard it made my heart break. I CAN'T. I still choose to live with cancer battling it together with those I love the most.

"You look so serene dear, a penny for your thoughts?" I looked around to see Enzo's grandfather sitting beside me.

"Just thinking. I see your grandson isn't here to slip some guilty pleasures huh?"

He laughed. "Still in the hospital recovering. I see they let you out before him."

"Yeah, I broke their vase, I spilled juice on my chart, I broke my infusion drip which costs a lot of money, I even destroyed one of my room door so I couldn't see why they have to drive me out of that lovely place."

"That's why Enzo likes you so much, the first time we saw you was when you were sitting here, at the exact same place, looking exactly the same, deep in your thoughts and he suddenly said, "see there gramps, one day, she doesn't even know it, but one day I'll marry that girl. And we'll go here every day until we'rethe same age as you and when I look at her I'll still feel the same way just like this first time that I saw her."

I laughed. "Poor boy though, I hear glasses shattering when your boyfriend came and sat beside you."

"Sir..." I started.

"Please, just call me gramps."

"Gramps, if one person die, will that person's family be able to live normally again?"

"They should be. One life doesn't end the others. Even if they are your family, your closest friends or your boyfriend. They find a way to let everything easier. They find a way not to hurt. They find a way to move on with their lives."

"Then in order to move on they'll have to forget that I ever existed." It is not a question, it's a fact.

"No, that's not it, no matter what they do, you'll still be in their hearts forever. Are you afraid that when you die people will have to forget you so they would have to live their lives normally?"

I didn't answer.

"But you have to understand them too, learn to live their lives too. When someone dies, the world wouldn't die with that person; instead it will turn, move, live and breathe the same way it usually does when you're alive but that doesn't mean that the world will not notice you gone, that doesn't mean that you will also die in its heart. In our hearts."

He stopped for a while and then he continued.

"Life moves on, it should always move no matter what."