Beyond Me. {Haylor}

Chapter Fifteen.

It's my first show since the Harry incident. Been just about a week. I've been weak without him, but a brave face is placed against my lips. Ali hasn't left my side and she's been an amazing friend. I really really should call her my bet friend. She's basically become family. Liz would've been her if she could've, but she's been summoned to California. If it wasn't for Ali I don't know what I would've done. She's followed my every move and she's been there in the middle of the night when I broke down. Not having Harry beside to curl up to in the middle of the night is something I hate more than anything.

We're in Portland tonight, and it's a really beautiful city. A few years ago I did a music video here and it was absolutely my favourite to shoot. Although, we don't have time to explore amongst the city. Last night was a late one, and no way I was prepared for a 8am call time.

I'm nervous for my meet and greet today. I'm scared for what the fans might say. I'm scared for the disapproving looks I might get from the parents. My bones are rattling and I'm absolutely, 100%, without a doubt, terrified. Ali assures me it's gonna be fine, but I know she's just as worried as I.

We pull up right into Rose Garden arena and I'm welcomed with hugs and friendly smiles. A girl congratulates me on my pregnancy and I give a weak smile and thank you. My mom pulls me away and smiles over her shoulder. "It'll get easier." She assures me. It replays in my mind from when I told my family about the baby. It may have gotten easier for her, but it certainly hadn't for me. I was still in pain.

I walk into the meet and greet and the line of people dressed in red is comforting. We decided to have this one in the club red room in case I needed to sit down. It was to be laid back today. The first set of fans is a teenage girl with a younger child at her side. She's tall, lean, with pretty blue eyes which nearly reminds me of myself. The child beelines from the older one and into my arms which I gladly take. "Oh my gosh!" The older girl says, "Mia don't do that! I'm so sorry, Taylor."

"Don't be sorry!" I laugh, bumping the child on my hip whose name I took as Mia.

"Calm down, Ellie! Taylor is so nice, see!" Mia giggles and cups her hands around my ear, whispering a mumble of words which I make out to be something like: "my sister rullay loves you."

With Mia at my hip and her legs around my waist, I turn to the big sister. "Thank you so much for coming, Ellie! I hear your a fab of my music!"

I spend two or three minutes talking to the two and when I'm given a signal to cut things off, we take a picture. I set Mia down after hugging the small one and proceed to hug the young, polite girl. Her arms wrap around me tightly and I've learnt from the best to never let go until they do. Never be the first to let go. You never know how bad they need it. And... She doesn't let go. Ellie doesn't let go, she's clinging to me as if I'm the only thing she has left. And when she starts to loosen, I run my hands from her back, down her arms, along her wrists and to her hand. She winces and I look down but she quickly pulls away. I pull my bottom lip back. I have to idea who this girl is, I've never met her before, but for some strange reason, my heart goes out to her. And maybe it's because I know what it feels like to hurt. "I want to talk to you after, if that's alright." She nods vigorously as I grip her hand. "Mom," I call out and she walks over, "I want to talk to Ellie when I'm all finished up, can you just sit wish her and and Mia at the coke table?" Mom seams hesitant but she agrees, knowing there has to be a reason for my actions. The three walk off and I meet the next group of fans.

I go through a few groups, some of girls crying, some radio station hosts, parents with small children. And of course, a meet and greet is no meet and greet without a guy hitting on me. I roll my eyes and point to the bump on my stomach. "I'm taken." I say with a smirk and then the laugh subsides. I'm not taken...

Two girls stride up in red high wasted shorts, the back reading the word 'TROUBLE' in white sparkles. A tie dye shirt of reds and pinks is tied at the top of their shirts and I'm pretty sure they rolled around in a pile of glitter. Red hair dye peaks through their blonde hair. People like this are the reason I keep doing what I'm doing. They keep me believing. This is the reason I love to tour. The reason I love them. "We actually have a gift for you!"
One girl smiles, whose name I learnt was Maddie, the other JJ.

"We really hope you like it and we know it's nothing much, but we thought it was cute." The other say puckering her red lips.

"Like JJ said, we are just so happy for you Taylor. Congratulations on the baby. And all your fans, we are so behind you and Harry. I mean, whatever you do Taylor, we will alway love you. You're always there when we need you, so we will always be there when you need us!" She hands me a red box with a big sparkly ribbon and I smile.

"Oh my gosh, y'all didn't have to do that!" I say smiling, and pulling off the top of the box. And on a bed of tissue paper is a red onesie with footies and everything. I turn it around and on the bum it say 'TROUBLE" just like the two girls. I laugh and force a smile. "Thank you so much."

"Do you know if it's going to be a boy or girl?"

"Do you have a name picked out?"

"Are you going to take the baby on tour?"

"Are you going to marry Harry? Because we ship y'all so hard!"

They fire questions back and forth and I look over their heads to look for my mom, pleading for help out of once again, a sticky situation that has snowballed from my control. Security calls it time, thank god, so I hug both girls once more before having security escort them out. With a spark in my step I head to the table where my mom sits with Ellie and Mia. "mom, would you mind taking Mia for a little walk, maybe show her the VIP party, with all the candy?"

Mia starts to cheer and my mom laughs, taking the little girl by the hand then walking off. I sit beside Ellie and smile at her. She smiles back. "Can I see?" I say, putting my hands palm up, hopeful of her reaction.

She looks from my hands to me, then slowly rising her arms, setting her hands in mine. I turn her wrists within my hands and she winces when I haven't even touched her. "They're awful." She says, shamefully, he's eyes shut right.

I pull down the rubber bracelets and against her skin are red lines. Ones beginning to heel. I never really got into the self harm, I was too much of a wimp when it came to the physical pain and blood. I lick my lips and look up. "How long?" I say. By looks of it she had been strong for awhile and I wanted to know.

"Three weeks. I wanted to be healed when I met you, but they aren't gone yet."

A smile hints at my lips. "You want to get better, don't you?"

She nods. "Taylor, I don't know if you could ever understand, but stuff like this isn't easy. It's difficult. And being a teenager is near impossible. The pressure we have on is is ridiculous, Taylor. There is always someone skinnier and prettier and someone better. It's not fair."

"I know exactly how it is."

She shakes her head, "Taylor you're perfect, how could you ever understand."

"I'm not perfect." I defend, "no where close. And since I was sixteen I've been struggling to be this image of perfect and I've never found it."

"But you're beautiful! Your eyes are the prettiest shade of blue and your skin is flawless. You had an amazing figure before you got pregnant, and even know your body is perfect. Your legs are ones at which your fan bases drools over and I mean come on now, your boobs are amazing."

I feel the over whelming sense to tell this girl everything. And how I'm not as strong as she things I am. Tears prick my eyes and my entire body is washed with hurt. "It's not that easy." I say in a whisper. Ellie looked completely alarmed. Her eyes grow big as if wanting to ask me everything but she decides against it. "Being a teenage is hard, but that part goes away. That part gets easier. But I was teen when I entered this business and I already had these expectations of me and I needed to look a certain way and act a certain way. And between you and me, I still have my days. Starving yourself is never worth it, binging is never worth it. Cutting is never worth it."

Ellie licks her lips an grabs my hands tight, "Taylor... What are you saying."

I smile. "Never hurt yourself. That's what I'm saying." I pull a permanent marker off the table and pop off the lid, leaning her arm wrist up on my leg. My marker glides against her skin, printing out the curves of my name. "And if you ever feel the need to, or have a trigger moment, look here, okay? Remember me."