Twice The Love, Twice The Hate. I Just Had To Fall For Twins.

Twice The Love, Twice The Hate. I Just Had To Fall For Twins. {27}

                We crashed to the ground and he began to throw punches. My mind flashed back to the day my dad’s stepdad had beaten me and I found myself growing terrified. “Get off!” I screamed, so afraid he would break my wrist or my nose. Hit me and hit me and hit me, no matter how much I screamed. “Get off me!”

                Our parents rushed into the room and froze. “Get off him Shawn!” mom screamed in terror. “You sorry fucker!” Shawn screamed and hit me in the face. My head hit the floor and I yelped in pain. He just let his fists fly at me more and more.

                And suddenly, he was pulled off me. I curled up on the ground, shaking. The memories from that day had exploded in my head. I gasped for breath, dry sobbing.

                Someone touched me and I whimpered. “Shane, Shane it’s okay,” dad said gently. “Shane, I’m right here. You’re okay.”

                He pulled me into a sitting position and I opened my eyes. Shawn was staring in shock, as if unable to believe what he had just done. Mom dropped next to me and gently put an arm around me, pulling me close to her.

                “It’s okay, Shane,” dad repeated, his eyes tortured. He stood up and glared at Shawn furiously. He was completely sober, I realized. I hadn’t seen him completely sober in years.

                “The fuck is wrong with you? How could you attack your brother like that?” he boomed. Shawn shrank back. “I…I didn’t mean to,” he whispered. “God I’m sorry Shane!” He gave me a pleading look. “I never meant to hurt you. I never, ever wanted to hurt you Shane. I’m so sorry. I love you,” he whimpered.

                “Oh god, Ben. He’s shaking,” mom whispered. I couldn’t stop trembling. That fucking day was racing through my mind, replaying every word, every hit, every single one of my screams. My intense fear, my want for my dad, and the pain of him abandoning me from the shame. The feeling of being so alone. The terror that I was going to be beaten to death.

                “Shane, it’s okay. No one’s going to hurt you anymore,” dad said gently, pulling me to my feet and hugging me tightly. “No one’s going to lay a fucking hand on you, not even Shawn.” Shawn winced as if he had been slapped.

                “You’re lucky I don’t beat you,” dad growled at him. “Because you know I would.” Shawn licked his lips nervously. “I didn’t mean to hurt him. I just…I lost control. I’m so sorry Shane,” he whispered.

                I buried my face in my dad’s chest, still trembling. I didn’t want to remember that day. I didn’t want to remember being beaten viciously. And now Shawn was hurting me. Could I trust anyone? Was there anyone that wouldn’t hurt me?

                Luna. Luna wouldn’t hurt me. I wanted to be with her right now. “Dad, can you g-g-give me a r-rdie to my g-g-girlf-friend s house?” I whimpered. He seemed shocked but nodded.” Sure, Shane,” he said gently and glared at Shawn before leading me out of the house and into the car.

                We drove in silence. I was still trying to fight off the violent memories as I told dad the address to get to Luna’s house. He pulled into the driveway and hesitated.

                “Shane, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry I couldn’t save you that day. Please know I love you, and I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through. I’ll go home and I’ll talk to Shawn. I’ll make sure he never lays another hand on you. Please, I’m sorry,” he whispered.

                “Dad, I don’t b-blame you for that day. I never have. I miss you being sober like this. Please stop drinking. It hurts all of us. I love you dad,” I whimpered. He leaned over and hugged me tightly and I hugged him back, squeezing my eyes shut.

                We released and he kissed me cheek. “I love you Shane. Have fun with your girlfriend, and don’t do anything you wouldn’t want Jesus to see,” he said, making me think of Uncle Chris. “Bye dad. I love you,” I said before getting out of the car and going up to Luna’s house. I rang the doorbell. Dad was sitting in the driveway, probably making sure Luna was home.

                A thought hit me, and in my tired state, I nearly giggled. My dad wasn’t even religious. Like he gave a fuck if god or Jesus or whoever saw me doing anything bad.

                Luna opened the door and gave me a surprised look. “Hi Shane. Come on in,” she said. I stepped inside and dad pulled out of the driveway.

                We went up to her bedroom and sat down. “What’s up?” she asked. “I just wanted to be with y-you,” I said shyly, not wanting to tell her what had happened between me and Shawn. I leaned over and kissed her gently.

                “Want to go to the movies tomorrow, Luna?” I asked, going even shyer. She smiled and kissed my cheek. “I would love to, Shane Jarvis,” she said and I smiled and wrapped an arm around. I brushed my lips against hers again and felt joy in me. She wouldn’t hurt me, and I wouldn’t let my brother come between us.