Twice The Love, Twice The Hate. I Just Had To Fall For Twins.

Twice The Love, Twice The Hate. I Just Had To Fall For Twins. {18}

                                                                                ***Shane’s POV***

                I sat in Uncle Chris’s bedroom with my iPod. I was listening to Suicide by Josie Wails, trying to keep myself calm. Our dad had been a damn good dad, until I had caused him to fuck his life up. I hated myself for that. It was the main reason I cut myself.

                The door to Chris’s room opened and Shawn appeared. “Hey bud, I’m sorry,” he said and sat next to me. “We didn’t mean to upset you.” He grabbed one of my headphones and put it in his ear. He frowned deeply, but I ignored it.

                He grabbed my iPod and turned the music off. “Come downstairs. We’re going to play cards or watch a movie or something.” I shrugged and got up, silent.

                “Shane, I’m really sorry we upset you,” Shawn said with a guilty look. “You know we didn’t mean to.” “I just don’t want to talk about him, Shawn,” I whispered. “So we won’t. I’m sorry,” he said and hugged me tightly.

                We went downstairs and Luna glanced at us from the kitchen table. We made popcorn and played cards, me forgetting about dad and calming down as I laughed and had fun with them. Even Shawn kissing Luna didn’t make me super upset.

                “Yo brats, we’re home!” Chris called, opening the door. “Chris, shut up! You’re going to wake the kids!” Katy said angrily. “Fuck the kids. I like being loud,” Chris said, coming into the kitchen and glancing at us.

                “Hi Uncle Chris,” Shawn greeted. “Hey asshole. Where are my brats?” he asked. “Sleeping. Not a single one of them woke up this whole time,” Shawn said, nodding. “Damn. You guys are good. I can’t get those fuckers to stay asleep for 10 minutes,” Chris said, shaking his head and sighing.

                Suddenly, Jeremy started crying and screaming “Mommy!”. Chris rolled his eyes and Katy came in and smacked his arm. “Dammit Chris, see what you do?” she said in annoyance before leaving to go get Jeremy.

                “She blames me, when she’s the one that lets that brat suck his thumb in a Wal-Mart. You seen the scumbags that shop there? I saw your dad there the other day. Scumbag,” he said and shook his head again.

                I looked down guiltily, even though I knew he was just kidding around. “Uncle Chris, you’re an asshole. Go get fucked,” Shawn said, rolling his eyes. “Hey! Watch your mouth, brat,” Chris said and thumped him in the back of the head with a joking smile.

                Luna seemed amused by all this, and that made me smile a little. “Chris, he wants you now,” Katy said, coming downstairs holding a crying Jeremy. He reached his arms at Chris. “Daddy,” he whimpered.

                Chris said and took him. He gently kissed Jeremy’s forehead. “Alright, here’s your money. Thanks for watching these little fu…little brats,” he said and handed us money to split.

                “I hope you feel better Jeremy,” I said to him as I stood up with Shawn and Luna. Chris smiled softly at Jeremy. “He’s okay. Just a little sick. Come on; I’ll go lay with you,” he said and carried Jeremy upstairs.

                Katy waved to us as we left and got in the car. “I can’t tell if he’s nice, or kind of mean,” Luna said as we began to split the money. “He’s an ass, but he’s a pretty cool guy,” Shawn said, handing me and Luna our share.

                Shawn began to drive towards Luna’s house. “His kids are cute,” she said and we both nodded. It was weird to think that, at one time, Shawn and I had been that little and adorable. That innocent. That dependent on our parents. That…that loved by our parents.

                We dropped Luna off. She and Shawn shared a deep kiss before she went inside her house and Shawn pulled out of the driveway.

                “I like her a lot,” he said after a few moments of silence. “O-Oh. I’m happy for you Sh-Shawn,” I said with a small smile. He deserved to be happy. He was a good guy. He’d make Luna really, really happy. A lot happier than I could ever make her.

                We went into the house and got ready for bed. “Goodnight Shane,” Shawn said sleepily as he crawled onto the top bunk. “Goodnight Shawn,” I said and squeezed my eyes shut.

                “Daddy!” I sobbed, my body aching. He struggled free of the cop’s grip and raced to me. He picked me up and began to rock me as I sobbed, whispering apologies as his own tears started to flow.

                Suddenly, I was sitting in the hospital. “Where’s dad?” I asked mom quietly. “Smoking,” she whispered. “He’s outside smoking.”

                The scene shifted yet again, and now I was sitting outside, my knees pulled up to my chest. Dad was staggering up the driveway, not even noticing me. “I fucked you up dad. I’m sorry,” I whispered as I watched him.

                He fell to the ground, a hacking cough erupting out of him. My grandpa rushed over to him, and tears slowly crept into his eyes. He looked up and noticed me, and I looked away in shame. All my fault. All…my…fault…

                I sat up in bed, breathing heavily and covered in sweat. I crawled out of bed, aware that it was probably around 3 in the morning. Shawn was snoring softly. I left our bedroom and went to the kitchen. I grabbed a glass of water and drank a little before shakily sliding down against the wall.

                I whimpered and wished I had someone to talk to. Luna. I would go back in my bedroom and text Luna, hoping to god I wouldn’t wake her up if she was sleeping.

                I went to get up, and noticed my dad standing there. He was staring at me with pain filled eyes and bit his lip. I could tell he was still pretty sober. That was rare for him.

                “Are you, uh, alright Shane?” he asked nervously. I shook my head slowly. “No,” I whispered. “No, I’m not alright dad. I keep having nightmares. I can’t sleep.”

                “Just…take some sleeping pills,” he said, avoiding looking into my eyes. “Dad,” I whispered, feeling small. I wanted him to hug me. That’s what I wanted now, more than anything in the world. I just wanted to feel my dad’s strong, loving arms around me. He hadn’t hugged me in about 5 years.

                “Yes, Shane?” he asked and I felt myself starting to cry. He stared at me in more agony than I could’ve ever imagined possible for someone. “Shane…don’t…” he said helplessly. “Don’t do that. You’re not a little kid.”

                But his own eyes were starting to water. “Please don’t do that Shane,” he said shakily. “I’m sorry dad,” I said. Sorry I fucked up your life. Sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

                God, I was a terrible person. I was jealous of my brother because of his girlfriend. I had fucked up my dad’s life. Hell, I had fucked up my mom’s life too. I was terrible. My eyes flickered to my wrists.

                But dad had seen that. He came over to me and pulled me to my feet. He hesitated. “Don’t you dare cut yourself, Shane Alexander Jarvis. I’m…I’m not afraid to send you away to get help!” he said angrily.

                Get sent away…that was perfect. If I got sent away, my dad could get his life back in order, and Shawn could be happy with Luna without me interfering. And all I had to do was give into a little addiction and temptation. Pocket knife, here I mother fucking come.