Philophobia || justifer

Chapter 1

*Dear diary,

It's been a month since I caught him in bed with her. I can't believe how much I trusted him on his first day of shooting this movie, I even met Angelina and said some pretty nice things to her, ironic. The paparazzi has been on my back the past month, it hurts, it hurts so so much to see what the tabloids write about me, I lost my husband, my best friend, my soulmate, my man. Someone whom I will probably love for the rest of my life. I really thought he was the One, you know? All i can feel right now is hopelessness but i just can't show it to the world, to the fans, the haters, everyone. especially not to Brad and Angelina. I feel like trash, or a toy, played and thrown. I don't know. I'm probably wasting so much time right now writing this diary thing, remember when i was about 14 and was writing in this thing? Sorry for drifting off, best friend. Thanks for listening to m-*

"Jen! You home?" Courteney. I ran downstairs to open the main door for her, only to be surprised by the number of paper bags she has.

"Honey! How are you? i bought food!"

"I'm fine, court, thanks for the food." and here's me lying again for the 100th time.

"You're lying, stop lying. It's not good for you! We haven't talked about it at all, and it's been a month. Don't you think i deserve to know how you feel? Come on, talk to m-"

"You really want to know how i feel? frankly, i don't even know what to feel. Should i feel hurt? should i feel anger? betrayed? or happy for him? i really don't know what to tell you. Yes, i still love him because i believe he is, was, the love of my life. I feel everything there is to feel right now, joy because of everyone who stood by me, sorrow because my husband left me, anger because he went behind my back, and here, disappointment because you don't understand how much it hurts. It hurts, Courteney, it hurts to be famous, it hurts to have your whole life documented to the world, it hurts, but i jolly well accept it because i signed up for this. So are you happy now?" tears started flowing down my cheeks when the words 'my husband left me' left my mouth. I've never really dared to admit that he left me. Here's to a first.

"I'm sorry, i... i didn't know.. I'll leave, see you soon okay. I love you."

She leaves.

Finally, peace.

"Love you too." I whispered.

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⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ FLASHBACK⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

/beach/

"Hey, remember our second date?" his fingers intertwined with mine as i lay on his bare chest on a hammock.

"why not the first?" i looked up at him, his facial feature are so fine, can't believe it. He's mine.

"It was a blind date, doesn't count."

"It so does! Every date of ours counts."

"No, that wasn't real-real. We hardly knew each other."

"So? It was still a date!!"

"Yeah, if i saw you eating with a complete stranger would you call it a date?"

"You're a jerk," I complained. What a jerk, he knows i can't win him in stupid arguments like that. I turned my back towards him, skin touching skin, and his hands wrapped around my waist.

"Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did you ask if i remembered our second date?"

"Oh, remember the restaurant we were dining at?"

"Yeah, that place was classy, oh my gosh, we should go back the-"

"Just wanted to say their food sucked."

"What? Bitch!" my bitch.

He laughs. his laugh.

I shut my eyes to enjoy the sound of the waves and him.

William Bradley Pitt, i love you.