apathy (sequel to fervor)

૩Ց | ʀᴇᴀᴅɪɴɪᴇss.

૩Ց | ʀᴇᴀᴅɪɴɪᴇss.

I didn't want to move. 

My body hurt too much. My muscles ached, and all I could do was cry. Why would he do this? Just when I thought that he was making a change, he went right back to his old ways. He made me vulnerable, he gained my trust, then he betrayed it. I was actually starting to like him. 

Martin raped me, again.

This was the third or fourth time..I think. I believe that it was my fault this time, or at least that's what he told me. Martin was upset over something, and I tried to be nice and find out what was bothering him so much. Then he just snapped. It was all a blur, much like the other times. But this time I really tried hard to get him to stop. Martin only beat me before stealing the little bit of confidence I had in myself.

Jose was right, Martin was just going to hurt me, over and over. He simply couldn't be trusted. Opposite of the bed was a mirror, and I couldn't stop staring at myself. I curled into myself more, my eyes puffy and red from crying my eyes out. My skin was bruised, and I had a long set of scratch marks on my thigh, from Martin's hand. My skin was red in places, and my hair was all over the place. I think he pulled some out as he had my hair wrapped around his fist at one point. I could still feel his pulling motions as he had me on all fours. 

I sniffed, feeling myself begin to cry again. I had dried tears on my cheeks, but it didn't matter. I wouldn't wish pain like this on anybody. I hated myself, but I continued to stare at my abused body. It was funny how you could be destroyed in a matter of minutes.  I heard the bathroom door open, but I didn't bother looking at who was coming out. I already knew that it was Martin. He came to stand in front of me, holding a washcloth. He kneeled down, pushing my hair out of my face. 

Without a word, he wiped my face, dabbing my busted lip. He kissed my forehead, but he had such a cold look in his eyes. He got up once more, and pulled me to look at him. "Open your legs." I did as told, opening my legs slowly. He slipped a clean pair of panties on me, his thumbs gently grazing my inner thighs. He then sat me up, and pulled a t-shirt over my head, to which I slipped my arms in the holes. He kissed my lips this time, and made me look at him. 

"I only did this because I love you. Do you love me?"

I nodded, even though I knew I was lying. I wouldn't ever love anything as disgusting as him. He was vile. I wouldn't ever wish death on anyone, but he deserved it. I hated him. 

I was on edge for the rest of the day. I couldn't describe the feeling with a certain word. I kept having this queasy feeling in my stomach, but it kept coming and going. I have felt like I've needed to thrown up, but I simply blamed it on my nerves. I'm so anxious that I can't keep still. Martin wasn't helping either..he was watching me at all times. I'e cried so many times today, I didn't think that I had any tears left.

"You ain't shit."

Martin's words taunted me relentlessly. They hurt like stab wounds, and stung deeply. I couldn't even sleep, as I kept hearing his voice in my head, calling me everything in the book. Maybe I was as useless as he said I was..I kept hearing him call me it so many times..that maybe it's true? I sat by the window, staring out in the vast land outside the window. It was pitch black outside, but the stars were twinkling, and the moon gave me a small amount of light. It seemed like the night sky was my only friend, besides Jose. The house was quiet, and I was glad for that.

I was just alone with my thoughts. 

At times like this, my mind drifted back to my family. I mean, I couldn't help but think about them. I knew that Dad was trying his hardest to come and save me, but I hope I make it to see that day. I was so close to giving up, but Amir..he was the one I had to protect from all of this. He was my pride and joy, and I don't regret having him. I wouldn't ever regret having him. I do wish that I would've waited until a little later to have him. That reminds me..Dante. I hope he's okay. I didn't get a chance to respond to his last letter, and he most be going berserk. Dante's anger probably doesn't even compare to Dad's and Ramiro's. For me, they take the cake for lashing out. 

I sighed, and began to hear screaming.

Amir.

I got out of the comfortable chair, heading upstairs, and into Amir's room. I looked down into his crib, and he was fidgeting, his eyes full of tears. I pickd him up, placing his head on my shoulder. He began to calm down, and I sat down in the recliner by his crib. Rocking back and forth lightly, it sounded like there was mucus in his chest. I patted his back, trying to get him to cough. I had a little napkin ready for when he coughed the mucus up, and he did. I rubbed his back, placing my hand on his forhead."Ooh baby, you might be getting a little cold." 

He sniffed, and held him in my arms for a while, until he fell asleep. When he was fast asleep, I placed him back in his crib, kissing his forehead. I turned on his mobile, and left the room. The queasy feeling in my stomach returned, and this time I knew that I had to throw up. I rushed to the nearest bathroom, falling to my knees,throwing up the contents of my stomach. I wiped my mouth, and flushed the toilet. I heard breathing, and I turned around, Jose standing there. 

"I'm okay, Jose.." I tried to assure him, but it seemed like he saw right through my lie. He sighed, shaking his head. He had his board in his hand, and he began to writ eon it. You look pale. Have you been feeling okay? Now that I think about it..I've had this queasy feeling for the past month..I just wasn't throwing up. I bit my lip, and Jose looked at me sadly. He opened the cabinet under the sink, and pulled out a rectangular box. 

No.

I know he doesn't think I'm..I know for sure that I'm not. 

Jose handed me the box of pregnancy tests, looking away from me. "Jose, you can't possibly think I'm-" I stopped, as he was writing on his board, and flipped it over to me. 

Think about it. Martin's raped you almost five times. Did any of those times did he use a condom?

I looked down at the box, then up at him. "I'm only eighteen..Jose. I can't have another baby.." I whimpered. I felt like dying. Jose sighed, and kissed my forehead. He left the bathroom, and I looked back down at the box. I can't possibly be having another baby..I wasn't ven old enough, nor ready enough for Amir! But I knew what I had to do..

"Is that a box of pregnancy tests?" 

Looking up, Martin stood in the doorway, shirtless. He had his hands stuffed into the pockets of his sweatpants, eyeing me. I nodded. "You think you pregnant?" He asked me. His tone was harsh, and I flinched just hearing him. He talked to me like I was trash..a waste of space. He made me feel so little..so tiny. "N-No," I stuttered "b-but I've been throwing u-up.." Martin scoffed, "You don't need those thi-" The queasy feeling came back, and I turned to the toilet, throwing up once more. My throat burned, and it was making me tired. I flushed the toilet, and Martin took a deep breath. 

"Take one of the tests..matter fact, take two." 

I took the tests and Martin waited outside the bathroom, while I waited, my eyes glued to the sink. The tests were flipped over, so I couldn't see the results. My heart was beating hard, pounding in my chest. I swear, I could actually hear my heartbeat. "Hurry up in there, Monae!" Martin knocked on the door, making me jump slightly. His knock was hard, almost like he was trying to knock the door off its hinges. I took a deep breath, and flipped both of the pregnancy tests over. 

I wanted to scream.

They were both positive.

I could feel the tears coming on, already. I took the two pregnancy tests in my hand, opening the door slowly. Martin looked unamused. I handed him the tests, and he took one look at them, thent o me. He moved me aside, and throwing the tests in the trash. 

"You aren't having my fucking kid."

"W-What..?" I asked. 

"You're smart, you know what I mean. You're going to have an abortion."