It's Your Choice

Chapter 10 : How?

Casey's P.O.V

I wake up and when I see I am cuddled up with Aaron defence mode kicks in. I immediately stand up and he tugs my arm and pulls me back to him on the bed and says ,"Hey, easy. Just relax..."

I break free from his grip and say ,"I don't need to relax. I am fine." He then shakes his head and says ,"No you are not, neither of us are."

I then ask ,"What do you mean by that?" He then says ," We are both hurt." I then let out a fake, shaky laugh and ask ,"Both of us hurt?" He nods and says ,"Yeah, I am hurt to. You don't know how I feel."

I stand up and say ,"I don't know how you feel. How about how I feel!" He stands up and says ,"I know how you feel but it hurt just as bad for me as it did for you."

I then ask ,"How?" He then says ,"How could it not hurt. I left you behind because I was to fucking scared to tell you or anyone for that reason why I left! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I WENT THROUGH... What I had to experience. I would not let anyone go through it let alone experience what I experienced. The pain the agony."

I then ask ,"How could you experience pain and agony if you weren't the only that got hurt, that got left behind, that had been heartbroken?"

He stands up and walks closer to me and softly says ,"If you know what my parents know and saw what my parents saw everything single day of that year you would understand. Flying away of everything was hard but leaving you behind was one of the hardest things I had to do. I cried longer then you. Longer, Casey. I left the love of my life alone, directionless without any knowing of where to find me. I lost you because I didn't listen to my parents. I am still angry at myself for leaving you behind and not taking you with. Seeing my mom in tears everyday of her life because she couldn't help her son. She couldn't do anything. My dad staying strong nearing tears. Clenching his jaw to keep the tears from escaping his eyes. Me thinking it was my fault. My fault. I did something wrong in the eyes of God to deserve what I still have. I am not saying you got of easy because I probably raised your depression levels and caused you trust issues and I am fucking sorry for that. You helping me to quit smoking helped me. To lower my drinking helped me. All you ever did was in favor of my well being and still I was afraid to tell you. Afraid you would leave me because you don't want to see the outcome."

I was at a loss of words. How did he survive chemo? I am not going to ask him what the chemo was for because he will tell me on his own time. He went through more pain then I did even though my heart got broken. I was the one that he left behind. I wanted him back I truly did but could I trust him again?

I then say ,"I am so sorry. I never knew. I thought that..." I got interrupted when he asked ,"You thought what? That I would just leave you? That I was sleeping around with other girls? That I got tired of you? That I didn't love you anymore?"

I slowly nodded and he then says ,"I would never just leave you. I promised you and myself that you were my one and only. Yet you think I would leave you because I got tired of you.... And to sleep with other girls... Which hurts most of all is that you think I don't love you anymore. Can I just tell you one thing. You can't protect your heart by pretending you don't have one."

He then stormed out of my room. I then close my bedroom door. I sit on my bed and start crying because what he said was true. I was heartless. I didn't want to hear his reason but now that I know it has something with him going through chemo. Something that concerns his health. Him possibly dying.... I couldn't get that thought out of my head.

A life without him in my life isn't a life with living. I love him to the ends of the universe. Even though we are fighting I am glad because I know there is still something worth fighting for. Something I wanted to fight for.