Starcrossed

11. Feeling Insecure

Bee

I hadn’t planned on breaking down the way I did in front of Lola, but I had needed the support of a friend. It had felt that I was alone in my own hell of a world but then her laughter and jokes broke through the hazy clouds and I held onto her. She had held me tight as I cried my eyes out, not caring that I was staining one of her favorite shirts. She had just held me and in that moment it felt that everything would be alright. Then we had to head back to the school and I tried hard to act like it was what I wanted to do.

The truth is that I wanted to run the moment we got near the school. I wanted to run and never turn back, but I couldn’t. Flashes of my crying mother and worried sister had invaded my mind and I kept on walking along with Chrissie and Lola. As we neared the gates and walked to the janitor’s lounge, I kept thinking that I could make it. I could escape and just forget everything. I was tired; tired of faking a smile when all I wanted was to curl up and cry my eyes out. I glanced at Lola and she smiled at me sweetly.

Okay Bee, you can do this; I told myself.

When I saw Memo from a distance I remembered that Lola had thought that it had been him who slapped me. She had gotten so mad that for a minute there I actually was scared. In the months that Lola and I have been friends I have never seen her that mad. Then again she has never seen me cry the way I did today. Anyway, when I saw Memo I thought it would be best for me to walk ahead and avoid an argument between the two. They were already in the dean’s list for arguing during classes and disrupting the peaceful environment. I waved ‘bye’ to Chrissie and Lola and walked on ahead.

Memo was standing in the middle of his friends with one arm around Tammy’s shoulders. Did I mention that she hasn’t talked to me since I slapped her that day Lola had been called to the principal’s office? I knew she could hold onto grudges and to be honest I didn’t blame her. I did attack her without a reason, well at least a good enough reason.

“Where you been all day?” Memo asked as he dropped his arm from around Tammy’s shoulders and draped it around my own.

I shrugged and glanced back to see Lola and Chrissie walking the opposite way. How I wished I could have gone with them, but I knew that Memo would throw a fit if I had just done that. At times it felt that we weren’t in a real relationship since I had to walk on egg shells most of the time just in case Memo found anything annoying. It was a pain in the ass, but he loved me; in his own way at least. Lola’s words ran through my mind and a smile covered my lips. She had asked to be strong for the both of us and it had felt right, perfect in fact. It had felt that I could open my soul to her and I wouldn’t be cast out for heaving too many demons in the closet. I looked at Memo, who was talking about cars with his friends, and I frowned.

If he was my boyfriend, then why didn’t I feel the security Lola made me feel with Memo? We have been together for a bit and in all this time I have never questioned Memo’s ability to make me feel secure and confident in myself… until now.

“Is something the matter?” I heard him ask and I shook my head. Memo shrugged and continued talking with his friends. If it had been anyone else, they would have noticed that nothing was fine with me. They would see that I was cracking bit by miserable piece.

“Can I get a ride home?”

“Sure,” Memo said to whoever asked the question and he began pulling me towards his truck.

I stopped on my tracks and pulled him off of my arm. He looked at me with a raised eyebrow and reached for my arm again but I flinched away. I could almost see the vein on his forehead throbbing and I tried to think of a quick excuse. The truth was that if he was already heading home, then he would drop me off. If he dropped me off right now the house would be empty except for Raul. My mom would get home until the evening and my sister would be with her, which meant I would be all alone in that house with him.