Toilet

Hotel

AMBER'S POV

I always have the best ideas whilst sitting on the pot.  Thor didn’t have s**t on me; my ass-cheeks thundered as I pushed, my head was pulsating from the strain.  Why it is bathrooms never have windows, I will never know.

“Hey Amber, how about a courtesy flush?” Nicole giggled. 

“Hey, I have an idea.  How about you shut up?” I swore as my manners swirled down the toilet alongside my poop.  When did I eat corn? Yes, I am a pooper checker; I look at my own s**t.  I’ve never been blessed with being a mother, but it felt like I was giving birth out of my rear end.  I was curious as to what was coming out.  Too much information, probably, but I believe that sharing is caring.  All the stress was turning my hair gray, making my skin wrinkle, and overall bringing out the worst in me. 

I’ve seen thirty-year old leather couches that were in better condition.  On top of looking like a troll, I often suffered from irritable bowel syndrome.  Some people are just gifted with regularity, well, not me.  Every trip to the bathroom is a blessing. 

The under part of my thick, meaty thighs were starting to slip and slide on the toilet seat.  Sweat was pooling in areas I didn’t know existed. 

After all the turmoil I’d endured, I just had to feel bad for the sewer people.  I grew up watching the ninja turtles and was convinced there was a sublevel city below ground, basically, I wasn’t helping matters.  Fortunately for me, I wasn’t big on empathy; I didn’t feel guilty for more than thirty seconds. 

I flushed, washed my hands, gave myself a pep talk, and went to confront the Illuminati and my best friend, Nicole. 

“Are you done?” Nicole asked.

I shook my head, feeling very pleased with myself, I felt so much lighter as if a giant weight was lifted from my shoulders.  I walked straighter, felt better, more energized and refreshed. 

“God, I can taste it.  What the heck did you eat?”

“I don’t know, but whatever I had, I didn’t chew well-.”

“Eww, that’s so nasty.  I don’t understand your fascination with shit, literally, you love talking about shit.”

“Don’t act like your shit smells like flowers,” I said crossly, suddenly defensive. 

“I’m not saying that.  But, we need to check radiation levels because whatever came out of you is freaking foul.  It smells like something crawled up your ass and died.”

“You always know just what to say to make me feel good about myself.”

“What are best friends for?” She asked. 

“Look, I sort of had an epiphany-.”

“In the bathroom?” She cut me off.

“Don’t judge me.  But yes, in the bathroom.  I want you to know, I appreciate everything that you’ve done for me.  But I just have to ask.  Why are you my friend? And don't you Vampries have to follow the same rules? Why not just kill me now?”

“Within our clan, there's resistance.  A revolution is underway, many of us desire changes.  You are not the first human to know our secret.  Many innocent people have died, and I believe that you deserve better.  You at least deserve a chance."

“Look, we can stand here all day and talk about our feelings, but I would rather shoot myself in the face first.  I don’t always think ahead, but I’m thinking now.  We need to go back to Tim.  He must be worried sick about me.”

“Okay.  So what’s the plan?”

“I was hoping you had one.”

“Amber?”

“Nicole!” I screamed back. 

“We need a plan!”

“Can’t we just make it up as we go along?” I said exasperatedly. 

“How do you propose we go up against the most powerful clan in the world? Without a plan?”

“First things first.  Get Tim.  We’ll worry about the rest later.  Plus, I have you on my side.  Two Vampires is always better than none.”

Static electricity shot through me as someone fired a pistol.  It sounded like a bullet shot through the door several times.  I threw myself on the ground, slowly, peering through my fingers, expecting to see bull holes in the door.  My nose started to gush blood, I peed a little, and I also forgot how to swallow my own saliva, so I choked stupidly. 

Nicole was so fast, she blocked my view as she towered above me, protecting me from whomever might be a threat. 

“What do you want Michael?” She hissed, her voice was so cold and feral it made all the little hairs on my body stand up, and I was extremely hairy so I knew I resembled a frightened porcupine. 

 “I’m here to help,” he said. 

“How did you find us?” Nicole demanded.

“Brethren from Germany could smell her stench.  It would be impossible to hide her,” Michael said cruelly. 

“I see you haven’t lost your charm at all,” I said sarcastically. 

“Hello, Amber.  Why are you on the floor?”

“I, um, tripped.  Don’t worry about it.  Why are you really here?”

“Yeah, why are you really here?” Nicole cursed. 

“Like Michael said, he’s here to help… me,” Victoria’s laughed menacingly. 

Everything was happening so fast, Nicole was blasted against a wall, and no one had even touched her.  Nicole got up to fight, but she didn’t stand a chance, together, Victoria and Michael were just too powerful.   Michael roughly puts a bag over my head, tied my hands behind my back, and dragged my body across the floor as if I were already dead. 

“Nicole! PLEASE HELP ME! NICOLE! PLEASE GET UP! NICOLE!” I screamed and screamed, I could see through the bag over my head and I could see just enough to push me over the edge.  She wasn’t moving.  Nicole wasn’t moving.  Hyperventilating, I tried to fight the bile that rose in my throat. 

“Will you shut her up?” Victoria snapped. 

My tummy cramped and I knew I didn’t have long.  They didn’t like how I smelled, well good.  I shit myself right before Michael hit me in the head with a heavy object.  I only hoped that Nicole was still alive and that she would be able to find me.  Right before I blacked out, I smiled for three reasons.  One, Nicole would be able to smell me from miles away.  Secondly, I’d eaten chili, which was funny all in itself.  And thirdly, Michael and Victoria would have to tolerate my unearthly, god-awful stench.