Hope ~S.M.~

Battlefield

Why does love always feel like a battlefield?

I never meant for me to start another fight. I don't even know what we're fighting for. I tried so hard to keep Shawn happy and not make him angry but I failed. We were progressing and now we're back where we started.

This is my fault and I don't want to lose him. I tried so hard, I really did. I never meant to make him this mad. He shouldn't have to fight with me because I'm the one who made the mistake.

I can't make this go away. This is because of me. I know by the look in Shawn's eyes that this isn't going to be okay.

"You were flirting with the guy!" Shawn yelled at me pushing me hard in to the wall. "You're a fucking bitch! After all I've done for you you fucking go around flirting with other guys?!" He yells punching me hard in the face causing me to accidentally bit my lit causing it to cut open and bleed.

I cried out wishing and hoping Shawn would stop soon. After a while of Shawn hitting and yelling at me for "flirting". I swear I wasn't flirting.

~

Shawn and I were at the store picking up junk food for the tour bus. Shawn had left me in the chips and cookie isle. Everything the guys wanted was high up on the shelf so I asked the nearest tall guy to reach the few things I needed from the top shelf. When Shawn came back he saw the guy smiling down at me as he handed me the multiple items I needed. I watched Shawn from the other end of the isle fill with anger, hurt and jealousy. I mouth the words sorry and he shook his head in disappointment. He mouth the words fuck you before rolling his eyes and heading towards checkout waiting for me. I thanked the tall guy and met up with Shawn on the line.

"Shawn-" I was cut off by Shawn. "Shut the fuck up we'll deal with this later." He whispered dangerously low through gritted teeth.

On the entire drive back I tried to explain everything to Shawn but anytime I tried to talk or even opened my mouth he grabbed my hair and yanked it as hard as he could've while he was driving and yelled for me to shut up.

Once we got back he threw all the stuff inside of the bus leaving it for someone else on the bus to put away.

Shawn angrily gripped my wrist digging his nails into my skin.

~

"I honestly can't believe you would do this to me of all people." Shawn grabbed my hair pulling me on to the floor where he gave me a few kicks to the stomach and one last punch in the face before he stormed out the room.

Right then abd there I broke down. I was in too much pain to move. It was my fault. I should've just waited for him to come and reach the stuff but instead I was in such a hurry to leave the store to go back to the hotel and spend a little time with Shawn before his next show later and before we're back on the bus filled with guys.

I crawled into the bathroom and locked the door behind me.
I looked around for something sharp. Anything. I noticed one of my many disposable razors and took out the blade. I used it to cut my hips and my upper thighs. I felt relieved after making the long deep cuts but I was still in a lot of pain both physically and mentally.

There was a knock on the door and I told them to go away. "I can't. Let me see you." I heard Andrew's voice at the other side of the door. "No." I cried knowing Shawn told Andrew and most likely Geoff. "I can't let you see me like this" I whispered.

"Jasmine if you don't unlock this door I will find somebody who will." Andrew said and I unlocked the door quickly moving into the bath tub to sit in a ball. Andrew walked in and sighed. He looked at me trying to hide from him by sitting in a ball.

"What the hell did Shawn do?" Andrew asked talking to himself but already knowing the answer.

"Come here." Gerty demanded and I did as he told. He examined my face and shook his head. "I'm going to really kill him this time." He whispered to himself.

I didn't look in the mirror because I knew it was bad and I didn't want to see my face.

Andrew pulled me in to a comforting hug but was careful knowing that there were most likely bruises on my body because of Shawn. Andrew was like my dad that I've never had. He allowed me to cry on his shoulder, he took care of me like I was his own and when Shawn wasn't acting right according to Andrew he would put Shawn in his place.

"Andrew?" I asked when I calmed down a bit. "Yeah Jas?" He asked looking down at me. "I didn't mean to make him mad. Can you please let him know I'm sorry and I didn't mean for any of this to happen, it wasn't my intention. Please tell him. All I did was ask a guy to reach something on a high shelf at the store, I didn't mean to make it seem as if I was flirting with another guy I thought it was completely innocent considering shawn was busy looking for something else." I cried to Gerty.

He walked me out of the bathroom and sat me on the bed.

"I'm going to be real with you right now because I love you just as much as I love Shawn, maybe more." He said taking the seat in the rolling chair from the desk placing it right in front of me.

"Shawn needs help that he refuses to receive. He's clearly bipolar, he can't control his emotions at all. He loves you clearly but you can't live like this. He's hurting you and it pains me to see you hurt because of him. I know you love him but don't try and justify his actions, whatever he's doing to you is not okay Jas. Look at you Jasmine, your face is messed up because of him. Don't do this to yourself. I know you love him but stop running back to him. You're giving him power over you. You're letting him know that he can do whatever he wants to you knowing you'll end up coming back. Don't blame yourself for Shawn's actions. He knows he's wrong but he won't stop because he's gaining that power over you. Just because you make a mistake or do something the doesn't necessarily approve of doesn't give him the right to hit you Jasmine. It's not okay. I know he's all you really have left hut if he doesn't change you need to leave him." Gerty says speaking the hard truth I don't want to accept but knowing I have to because he's correct.

"He can change I know he can." I cry

"Jasmine you've said this a thousand times already. It's only going to get worse." He sighs knowing I don't want to accept the fact that he's right.

"I believe he can." I say looking Gerty in the eyes. "I have hope and faith that he can and will change." I say to Gerty and he smiles at me before hugging me.

"Now if you excuse me real quick I have to go talk some sense into your dumbass fiance." He said kissing my cheek and walking toward the door.

"Gerty?" I asked before he left. "Yes?"

"Thank you for that little speech. I really needed it." I smiled over at him. "No problem." He said before walking out.