If I Mean Anything To You (Fuenciado)

I Still Think You're Beautiful

I could feel eyes on me before I even opened my eyes. There he was, in all his fucking glory. Fuck me...no, not here. Jaime was sitting in the same chair, that a few days prior had held Mike. His face broke into a huge grin upon me opening my eyes to him, exposing the dimples that just enhanced his flawless smile.

"I'm so glad you're awake!" Jaime didn't hesitate to encompass me in his arms. I winced at his tight grip.

"I was awake yesterday, and the day before that." I said with a laugh as I struggled to get out of his hold.

"Well, I didn't get to see you, babe." He kissed me lightly. "I was so scared that you had died...but that's behind us!" What? He wasn't going to ask why I tried to kill myself? Were we really just going to shove it under the rug?

"Um, okay." I plastered a smile upon my lips. "So, uh, how've you been?"

"Pretty good. Tony kept asking me about you, did he visit you at all?"

"Once, but he left a little pissed off with me."

"Why was he pissed?"

"I'd said I couldn't hold on anymore."

"Oh. Well. Erm, he's probably just emotional."

"Yeah." I fell silent. Jaime was staring at the floor. His gaze somewhere in the clouds. I had to ask him. "Jaime?"

"Hm?"

"Why'd you jump after me?" I braced myself for his words. He frowned.

"I don't want to talk about that."

"But-"

"No. It didn't happen. This is a dream, and you're all good. Okay?" That explained it. Jaime was fooling himself into believing that none of this was happening. I shook my head at him.

"It's not a dream, Jaime.  And I think you know that."

"I don't want to fight you on this."

"But we have to talk-"

No, we fucking don't. Now, do you want ice cream?"

___

I handed Jaime my empty ice cream container. He still refused to even come close to talking about my suicide attempt with me. As far as he was concerned, it never happened, and we were still in his bunk, snuggling, beneath the covers.

I tried to show him that it had happened. He was stubborn though. So after futile attempts to show him that he was wrong, I gave up and just went along with the act. What harm could it do anyway?

"Hey, babe, when did you get released?" I asked him as he made himself comfortable on the end of my bed as I sat up a little.

"This morning." He told me, taking me hand in his and giving it a gentle squeeze. "And you're still here?"

"I couldn't wait to see you."

"But I'm all gross looking."

"Aw, Vic, you could never be gross looking. Not to me or anyone." He kissed the tip of my nose. He glanced at the clock. "I should get going. Visiting hours are over gonna be over soon."

"Lay with me until they kick you out." I stuck out my bottom lip in a pout at him. "Purty plwease?" He smiled.

"Okay. You know I can't say no to that face." Jaime scooted closer and cuddled up with me. The smell of death and hopelessness encasing us.

___

I was released from the hospital almost a week later, with medical orders for me to attend therapy. I hated the idea of going to therapy.  Medical orders my ass. Jaime was the one to pick me up from the hospital, with a huge grin and he face flushed.

"Vic!" Jaime yelled, almost tackled me to the grass in front of the hospital. I couldn't hold in my laughter at his childish manner.

"I see someone missed me." I choked out between laughs. He pulled back and kissed my lips roughly.

"I just couldn't wait to see you again." Jaime smiled at me sheepishly. He grabbed my hand. "C'mon,  I planned out stuff for us to do today." Of course he'd planned out stuff. That's just what Jaime did. I let him tug me all the way to his car and didn't even bring up anything bad, why ruin his fun?

___

Jaime had everything planned out for maybe more than a day. We went out for breakfast, then went bowling and visited our parents, by the time that we got back to the bus, it was late into the evening. Mike flashed us a small smile when we walked onto the bus.

"Hey, Vic, Jaime. Had fun?" He asked distracted. I watched him pour himself another shot of whiskey.  I knew before anyone said anything that there was longing in my eyes.

"Yeah, we did, thanks." Jaime said to Mike. Mike didn't look up at us. "Vic, I'm going to go shower, wanna come with?" My eyes were still trained on that bottle of whisky.

"Uh..no, thanks." I told him. I saw his face fall a little. I have him a quick peck, my eyes leaving the bottle. "I'm sleeping in your bunk tonight." That made him smile at me again.

"Okay." He kissed me once more and went down the narrow hallway to the bathroom. Mike stood from the table, texting someone furiously.

"Night, Vic." Mike told me, his mind someplace else. I tried not to take it personally.

"Night, Mike." I waited until he left the room before I went over to the bottle. I poured one small shot. It couldn't hurt, right? Followed by another, and another. I should've stopped after the second one, but the burn of the alcohol just felt so good. Jaime was always one for long showers, so it allotted me plenty of time. I stopped bother pouring the brown liquid into the cup. Mostly because my hands weren't steady enough to focus on the task. I was drinking straight from the bottle. I gathered my wits and tried to stand from the table, only to fall on my face. "Shit!" I cursed out. It didn't hurt. So I giggled, and giggled until my consciousness clouded and everything went black.