Reading Between The Lyrics

Reading Between The Lyrics - Chp 8 {As Red As Hades And As Angry As The Devil}

‘I could play you a love song but would you chorus it back? I could play you a sad song and hope that you’ll figure it out. I could stand here screaming at you ‘till I’m blue about how mad I am at you. Do you want me to paint a picture of a rainy twisted day where I scream to the world why? I'm as red as Hades and I’m as angry as the Devil, I’m frustrated and torn and I’m willing to scream this song at the top of my lungs for hours? Can you hear me yet? I'm not mad though that you can’t hear me. you don’t chorus me back and I’m not mad. Should I be mad that you won’t figure out this song? I'm mad because I'm still listening out for you.’ – Riley May – As Red As Hades And As Angry As The Devil

Frustration.

Deep burning mounds of molten frustration simmered and stewed deep within me, burning at the raw flesh of my insides. I could feel the sharp claws of frustration clawing at my insides trying to move within me, reaching higher as it tore at my skin and seared at my mind. it was glued to my skin, sticking to me as tormenting and terrifying as torture.

I couldn’t rid it and it made me sick. I was full of frustration since the day I had found that photograph and it had plagued my very mind. I couldn’t rid of the feeling as it ate and devoured me like some hungry beast from the insides out. I could feel myself shrinking into its worm hole, my one and only focus solely on the image, the photograph taking control like a parasite, a tumor.

Nothing else seemed to matter, I had given up with searching for another job during the summer holidays, I had forgotten all about the jobs I had promised my father. I couldn’t recall why I had a desire to decode my lyrics and the most drastic of all was that I suddenly didn’t care in the slightest of what Chad’s reasoning was. Because there was a bigger mystery to solve and I knew I already had the answers, I just couldn’t remember.

Why did the photo of my mother suddenly look strangely familiar?

My life all around me was an utter and complete mess and I was determined to solve one riddle and I knew that this was the riddle to solve. I had lived plagued with solely questions and never answers the whole entire eighteen years of my life. I didn’t know who my mother was or her reasons behind her gut wrenching actions. Yet right before me was the one chance to discover what the answers I have been searching for were finally and I wasn’t going to turn it down.

I felt that I needed to do this, everything else surrounding me was breaking at the seams and I just needed to know that I had something, that I could do something. I needed to know I wasn’t worthless or my dreams and life wasn’t pointless. I just needed to know who I was and why, why was she the first person to abandon me and for what reason?

I was going to find my mother.

I had spoken nothing to my father at this plan, beside the fact that it was a silent agreement to never discuss my mother I also knew that if I told my father I was searching for my mother it would rip him apart. My father had spent eighteen years of my life trying with all his might to be enough as a parent and to privilege me the life of a princess, if I told him or gave him the idea he wasn’t it’d rip him apart, he’d feel as a failure.

I didn’t want another parent; I didn’t want another mother now. I had spent eighteen years of my life dreaming of what a mother would be like and wishing for another female to walk in the front door and claim it as home. Yet now I didn’t want that, I didn’t want her. She had crushed my heart and ripped me apart, she left me abandoned with trust issues and of course abandonment issues, I could never forgive her for that.

All I wanted was answers, an understanding and to hear her say it wasn’t my fault. I needed to hear it, to overcome these abandonment issues, to be someone that wasn’t broken I needed to hear it from her; she was the one that planted that weed in my head and spread it wildly ‘till it was a jungle. She now was the only person that had the weed control spray, the chemicals to rid me of these vicious weeds destroying all other logics within me.