My Big Fat Demons [Revised]

Perfect Pillow, Tender Heart (19)

Chapter 19: Perfect Pillow, Tender Heart

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× TRIGGER WARNING: Speak rape and self-harm×

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Ruvik's POV

My heart was pounding the whole time I told my story. I've only ever told my therapist what happened. Even then, I didn't tell him everything. Telling Nessie left me feeling uneasy and weak. I waited for her to laugh at me, or to mock me and tell me to just man up. But she didn't. Instead, she forgave me. Something I honestly didn't think would ever happen. I'm not even sure I deserve it. She's right. Just because I'm fucked up doesn't mean I can treat people like shit. Now, I'm in her arms. Hugging her was like hugging a cloud and I never wanted to leave. This woman is doing something to me, and I'm not sure I'm totally against it. Nessie pulled back, wiping her freshly shed tears.

"Please don't cry for me. I don't deserve it." I wiped her tears away as they fell.

"Damn, I feel like my past was a walk in the park." She shook her head and chuckled.

"I would still like to know," I caressed her face. She leaned into my hand.

"Do you promise not to look at me differently?" She murmured.

"Of course," I said incredulously.

"I was raped when I was a teen. I wasn't exactly skinny but I was skinny enough to be considered 'hot' and 'beautiful'. I was really outgoing, people seemed to like me a lot. I guess they liked me too much. Um, I was at this party with some friends. It was late and I was a bit buzzed from weed so I decided just to walk home because I loved the night time. I loved looking at the moon and feeling the cool breeze. This guy I knew, caught up to me and offered to walk me home. I accepted cause he seemed really nice. We decided to cut through the park because he said it was quicker. Then I saw some other guys there, people from the party. I asked what was going on and they just smiled. Then they attacked me. They each took a turn on me. They said I was a nice piece of ass and that I was teasing them all night. After that night, I shut down. I stopped hanging out with people. I began stuffing my face in an attempt to suppress my emotions. A dark part of me wanted to be fat and ugly so no one would find me attractive again. Getting bullied and being called fat is nothing compared to that night. I wanted to make sure no one ever found me desirable again." She took the drink from my hands and downed the entire thing. The irony of her earlier comment hit me. The entire time she spoke she stared at the TV with a dead look in her eyes. I thought she was finished talking but then she continued.

"Then, I got bullied. They called me nasty names because of my weight. I knew then I could never win. Life was going to be this never-ending battle of hate. I started self-harming that night I was raped. It only got worse and worse. I met Missie a few years ago. We quickly became friends. Once she found out my secret, she made me promise to stop. Of course, I promised, but I did it behind her back anyway. Sebastian and I met at a fashion show 2 years ago. He attached like a leech and we've been friends ever since. He found out my secret the night Mr. Alsworth died. Since then, he never left me alone. He kept telling me that you weren't a monster as I thought you were. Despite how angry he was at you, he defended you. Part of me hated him for that because to me you were a monster and he should have chosen my side. He couldn't understand why you said those things. I couldn't either. Now I do, but they still hurt. I guess you know as much as me the struggles of being fat." She curled into herself as if she was trying to hide her body.

My eyes traveled down to her thighs that she was trying to cover. Gently I removed her hands and looked at all of the scars and words engraved in her skin. Some are faded but some are extremely new.