Prude

Chapter 16: All Along

hey gus! new chapter. enjoy...

****

This was my worst nightmare.

I had walked from my house to school, when Jazz hadn’t shown up at my house to pick me up. It’s not like I really expected her to…okay, I sort of did. I mean we were best friends. We went far, and deep, but I suppose what she had said today was serious. The walk was long and full of effort and I got to the locker room late, which the Coach was not happy about.

It stunk like a pig-sty. Dirty clothes that belonged to the basketball team were spread across the benches. I had to clean the lockers also. Inside them I found things that should not be mentioned, things that were living that had now deceased and boxers. Millions of them. Some dirty, some clean. But boxers.  It was outrageous. I swept the floor, the sweat dripping from my brow, and cursed o the ceiling. This was my fate for punching that stupid girl’s nose. I almost thought it wasn’t worth it, and then I remembered all that the girl had done to me. Most definitely worth it.

I got the boys sportswear from the Coach’s office and hung it up on each of the boys’ respective locker. Hunter’s was the last I put up. Looking at his shirt, remembering his body, his smell and his face, I thought, if he wasn’t such an insane jerk, I would so have a mad crush on him.

I left the school very confused, or maybe it was just the tiredness, because I kept thinking something was telling me I already had a crush on the fool.

****

I lay in the darkness, very still, very silent, brooding. I was so upset. And not because any wrong had been done to me. I was deliberating with mortality. Life was so feeble, we could be gone within a second, and sometimes no-one would notice. I mean, that’s what you hear happens to all those old people that live in the country side by themselves. With no-one. Alone.

I suppose this is what got me here like this. I hated being alone. Ever since my dad had left, the world seemed to halt. My life was different, I was different. And lying on my bed, I realised that since that day, when everyone found out that he was gone from my mum and I’s life, they treated me like a baby. No-one dared to say anything that could hurt my sensitive state. The only person that ever gave little hints about my dad’s exit from my life was Darla. But that couldn’t be surprising.

I realised that I owed Jazz and Angela an apology because I had been acting like a spoilt baby, trying to keep the walls of my life up by seeking attention.

You see, my dad had been the man of my life. I went to him for everything. He was my rock, my everything. And then he just…disappeared. Without a goodbye, which wasn’t his fault. A tear slipped down my cheek. It hurt so much to think of him. For years I blamed him for making me feel all this pain, but now I realised that it was me and only me that could make me feel this way for so long.

It was time to take control of my life. I could be the me of old…just more grown up, more mature. I would get over the hurt and the pain, because life was too short as my father demonstrated. Life was just too damn short.

It was on this thought, or so I think, that sleep caught up with me.

****

“Mum,” I said the next morning after showering and dressing. “I’ve decided to get over it. I’ve decided to leave all of this pain behind. He didn’t leave to hurt me because he loved me, right?”

My mum smiled a large one at that. “Yes,” she replied, coming over to hug me. “He loved you so much. And that’s why it hurt, but I’m glad you have finally come to this point so we can move forward together.”

See, me and my mother hadn’t been so close before my father’s departure, only because I was naturally a Daddy’s Girl, but after that fateful day, we had sought each other’s strength to get through every day. Our relationship had been strong before that, don’t get me wrong, but after that it had flourished, more because we were all we had.

“What made you come to this point, darling?” my mother asked.

“Well,” I took a deep breath. “Jazz yelled at me because I had been very selfish for this past year or so. Always thinking about myself but when I needed to listen to her, I didn’t. I think I deserved it. I’m going to skip school. It’s time to say goodbye to Dr Christy.”

****

I entered her office quickly. The walls were a placid purple and the floor was carpeted green. She sat at her desk. She looked like the kind of woman that could never hurt a fly, but trust me; she could be aggressive when she wanted you to see her point. She was tall and curvy with long brown hair and pretty grey eyes. She had been my therapist since my dad had left, but today was the last day of our relationship. She had been someone I had tried to rely on to solve some of my problems, but no more.

She heard my footsteps and looked up. She smiled. “Come in, sit down.” Her voice was sweet and melodic.

“No, no,” I told her. “I’m just here to say goodbye.”

She frowned. “What?” she asked

“I am so grateful to all the help you’ve given me,” and walking up to her table, I handed her the flowers I had brought with me. “I realised what you’d been trying to show me all along. I was trying to be the centre of attention in the lives of all who knew me. So I ended up forgetting what others needed from me. Which was my attention. I think I finally understand that my dad’s exit from my life wasn’t meant to hurt me on purpose, it just inevitably would, and I have to move on from that. Life is mine for the taking now.”

She smiled. “I’m so glad you have finally gotten to this point. It’s been just over a year since it happened, so really it’s a speedy recovery.” She hugged me. “Good luck in life. Maybe one day we will meet again. And when we do, I hope to see you finally realising the other thing.”

“What other thing?” I asked.

She smiled sweetly. “That you’re in love.”

****

The game was in thirty minutes. The big game and I needed to get there before the start to find my best friends who meant the world to me.

I ran, as fast as I could. I found them outside the basketball court talking. I slowly strode towards them. They turned to me, then turned to walk in. I could understand that Angela also felt the same way, not that I could blame her.

“Wait,” I called out. “Please.” They stopped and turned towards me.

I looked at the ground. “I’m sorry,” I broke out. “I’m sorry I’ve been selfish. Sorry I haven’t listened to you the way I should have. Sorry I’ve been pushing myself to be the centre of attention. I realised yesterday, Jazz when you shouted at me, that I wasn’t the only one who was hurt by my dad leaving. See, I started to realise that because I was going through all the pain, missing the attention that my dad gave me, I wasn’t giving it to anyone else. So I’m sorry. But if this is goodbye, then just know I’ll miss you.”

A tear slipped down my cheek.

Someone brushed it away.

I glanced up. Jazz and Angela reached their arms out to hug me. The tears and sobs came from all of us.

“You dummy,” Jazz told me.

“Yeah,” Angela said. “Do you really think we’ll give up this relationship for anything? We just needed you to think about things. And you have.”

Jazz smiled. “Come on; let’s go watch hot sweaty boys get dirty.”

“Jazz,” I said, finally grinning. “I always knew that you weren’t right in the head.”

And all was right in the world. For now, anyway.