Complexities

18 Closure

Closure was all she ever needed, something she didn’t have for the longest time. She needed to know that she wouldn’t regret the decision she was going to make, the decision to let it all go once and for all, to cut the rope that holds the anchor and let the ship sail. It’s silly, isn’t it? To hold on to something that’s long gone. She knows it may seem absurd or out of the blue but she's been drowning with her demons for far too long when she should’ve been drowning them instead.

In his presence, was a sense of familiarity that she could recognize in a split second, it was a feeling that no one could ever take away from her. His eyes were searching for something in hers but she was far too afraid to look into his, afraid that she might give it all away – the things in which she's  hidden so well.

How do you look at someone you thought was the one and not feel the slightest pinch of your heart at the harsh reality you’re in, that he isn’t?

She felt so much, more than she's ever felt before and she had forgotten what it felt like to be overwhelmed with so much emotion, so much love and ultimately, the very thing she was so numb to – pain.

Why did we have to hurt so much to know that we loved each other?

The marks they left were often scars. If these scars were visible, she'd be so badly bruised and so would he. So she guess the question is, why do we choose to get hurt? Why do we always run back to the person who broke us in the first place?

The things she regret the most aren’t the things that she'd done but the things she was far too afraid to do. She opened her mouth, almost said something. Almost. The rest of her life might have turned out differently if she had. But she didn’t.

She made a promise, she drew a line.

She found herself with a foot above the line, so ready to cross it but she never had the guts to, and maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe it’s a blessing that she didn’t.

She's been homesick for a long time, for a place that doesn’t even exist anymore. Maybe in another life, she'll run into him and she'll be older, smarter and just plain better than she'll ever be in this life. Maybe then, she'll be able to look at him without choking up or feeling her heart break all over again like the very first time he said goodbye. But now, at this moment, she knows where it’ll take her; she knows how things will play out. She knows now that they're not meant to be, perhaps they were never meant to be but they tried, oh, they really did try so hard to go against the odds. It took her months to come to her senses and to realize that he was the poison in her veins.

He was the one holding the knife while she was bleeding.

So this is her, realizing that the best thing he’s ever done for her was to let her go when she almost begged him to stay. This is her, ending this constant nightmare of being delusional. This is her, giving herself the closure she never got; the closure he refused to give her. This is her, finally letting the memory of him go.

This is her, saying goodbye for the very last time.