Morphine

twenty : faults

I know it's a dream.

It's unrealistic, dramatic and flawless. It cannot be real. It should not be real.

I see mum lying on the sofa. Tears running down her temple and getting soaked up in the carpet below. She has a distant look in her eye, refusing to focus on our faces. Milan looks worried and tries to talk to mum but she screams and screams until he is terrified to even stand beside her. She screams out for dad. Her voice is loud at first and dims down to a squeak until we can hear the skin in her throat rubbing against each other.

It is the appropriate response to being so far away from dad for so long.

Her right arm hangs limply while she continues to stare into nothingness.

I kneel down and gently take her palm. She doesn't pull away or scream. Instead, she says, "You. It's all your fault, you bitch."

I scramble away from the truth in her words. She's right. It is my fault. They would have never had to separate from dad if I hadn't returned. I should have just let myself rot in his cell. Of course she's right. She's my mother.

Something in Milan snaps. he says, "Watch your words, mum. It's not Meira's fault."

My heart warms for a nanosecond because he's still on my side. But then I realise that she's right and Milan is defending the enemy.

"No it's alright Milan." I stand up and walk out of the house. I don't want Milan to choose between mum and me. I can make his choice easy by not being an option.

I grab a kitchen knife from the dinner table. It sits beside an apple, with dried blood coating its blade.

A sigh forces itself out of me. How symbolic.

I throw the door open only to find Bansik standing in my way. I point the knife to his throat. i tell him with conviction that "It's both our faults."

He smirks which is unusual because Bansik speaks through his actions more than his expressions or words. "Are you sure?"

I snarl like an animal. "I'll kill you."

Muscular arms wrap around my stomach. I don't look at him. I stare at Bansik. "I'll kill you." I struggle to get rid of the arms around me. "Chase--"

Something cold hits my face. The chill floods my body and forces it to wake up.

I taste the sweet tang of lemon juice, on my lips. Looking around, I realise that I'd fallen asleep in the amphitheatre after lunch.

"Are you okay?" It's Chase again. He's looking at me intently, with concern.

"I'm alright. Just a bad dream." I move away from him. "Thanks for the juice."

"You looked like you were in pain."

I think of the tone of my mother's voice and how she didn't seem to get tired after screaming so much and how easily she blamed me. Yes. I was in pain.

I shrug.

"What were you dreaming about?" He looks away from me and his jaw hardens.

"Nothing you need to worry about, Chase." I sigh and begin gathering my things strewn around me.

"Really? I'm sure I heard you right when you said 'I'll kill you Chase'". He looks completely closed off.

Chase misunderstanding me is the last thing I need right now. I rush in to explain. "No it wasn't like that."

He doesn't seem to care much.

"What's the point? You're not going to believe me anyway. " I gather my things and start climbing down the stairs.