Brielle
I didn't catch much sleep last night, writing that letter didn't make me feel the same before and after it made me feel a whole lot worse . It is different when you speak out of anger, it hurts a whole lot worse when you're speaking purely from the heart . When he locked me in the bathroom that time I was mad as hell at him, I was saying everything I meant . How much I hated him, how much he hurt me, how much I didn't want to be with him anymore . When I repeated those words in the letter and said them to him in a calm manner it was much harder saying them then I thought, I still mean them but it just hurt 10x worse . I'm dealing with the biggest stress ever, I can't make up my mind and what I'm doing with myself . I have to balance all this shit with kids, I have to watch this man shake, sweat, and throw up almost everyday . I'm too young to go through this shit, I feel like I'm going through as much shit as him dying inside every damn day . I've done everything in my power I can do for Chris, I gave him everything I had all these damn years of being with him . Leaving him isn't going to be permanent, obviously since we have kids together . I need time by myself, I need to clear this shit out .
When I woke up I was wondering why the hell I was in the bed, I remembered I slept in there because I was tired of him asking . I sat up and covered my face still trying to fully wake myself up, Chris came in with a tray of food . Heart shaped pancakes, a flower, and glass of orange juice .
"I'm feeling better and getting fatter up here, I thought I make you something to eat instead ." he said putting the tray on the bed
The pancakes looked perfect, I don't want him doing nice things for me I don't want none of this shit . I moved the tray from over me and buried my face into the pillow and cried . He sat down on the edge and rubbed my back .
"Don't touch me ."
"I'll leave you alone, I just wanted to see you smile ." he said then kissing my cheek
I laid there crying, when Chris walked out the room soon after he left the house . I drunk the orange juice but I didn't eat the pancakes, Chris was gone for two hours . When he came back he walked in the house with Mc Donalds, I walked up to him and grabbed his face .
"Say something to me ." I said checking to see if he was going to slur his words
"What are you doing ?" he said perfectly fine
I checked his eyes "Where did you go ?"
"I was feeling better, I wanted some fresh air and food I got you some ."
"For two hours ?"
"I'm not high Brielle ."
Chris
She walked away from me, I thought it be best if I leave her alone and give her some space to deal with this . I been all over her trying to secure my position with her, making sure she still loves me and sees I'm still here . I'm still not giving up without a fight, but for a little while I'll let her breathe on her own . I seen the pancakes I made still sitting on the counter, she'll probably leave this Angus Bacon Burger on the counter too . I separated myself from her and went downstairs in the basement to draw . I wanted to go out, get a drink or something but I knew she would have something to say about that so I just stayed downstairs and continued to draw . I asked her if she would please sleep in the bed with me for one more night, she finally agreed to . I'm afraid because the withdrawal are weakening, eventually I won't be feeling anything anymore . When these withdrawals done, she'll be gone . I stayed on my side of the bed, it would be the beginning of the worse damn nightmare .
"I think you got something for me ." I said showing up over Rihanna's house
"Funny how your ass come around here again, I guess this is all I'm good for huh ?"
"It's not even like that ."
"Nigga don't play with me, you cut me off for damn two years . Now you surface back up for drugs ?"
"That ain't all I wanted from you, I wanted to stop by and say you were right ."
"Right about what ? I'm not following, it's too late for this shit ."
"She's leaving me ."
She seemed very interested now, her body got closer to mine "For what ?"
"She found about the shit I was doing, she don't want me anymore . I can't stop her from leaving, I done everything I could . Fuck it, I can't change for nobody ."
"You think coming over here to my damn place is going to do you some good, you got a lot of damn nerve . I'm not your rebound bitch ."
"What's your fucking problem ?"
"You the fucking problem that's why your bitch leaving you now ."
"Don't call my girl a bitch ."
"Look at you, you still love her . You don't give a shit about me, you just want this ." she said holding a molly in her hand
I had to put her on pause because my phone was vibrating, it was a text from Brielle . Rihanna snatched the phone out my hand to read the text message .
"You get on my last fucking nerve, I can't stand the shit you do to me . You don't realize how much your words and your actions hurt me, yet I'm still giving you countless chances . You want to keep me around, we need to get help and I want you to confess to your mother that you're on drugs . You do that for me, we can work on us . . . Look like you caught a break, your dumbass girl wants you back . You want this shit you goin to have to take it from me ."
She sat on my lap pulling off her mini dress exposing her pierced breast, placing the molly on her tongue for me to take it .
She wasn't giving a fuck about me when I told her Brielle was leaving me, yet when that text message came in now it's a different story .
Like a fucking idiot, I took the challenge . I took the molly from her tongue with a kiss, she knew I wasn't going to take this shit for long she went the extra mile to keep me in position . Like grabbing my hand placing it on her boob to grab and squeeze, she was gyrating on my lap trying to get my dick to stand up like a kickstand while she kissed me . It worked, she knew I wasn't going to plunge right into sex . Any minute now I was going to throw her ass off me, but she kept me locked in with head . I knew damn well this is shit is wrong, even after all the shit I been through to get Brielle to love me again I'm still fucking up . I still went head to fuck Rihanna, if I was going to cheat I was going knocking this shit out the park .
"Harder, fuck me harder than you do that bitch ." she moaned
I snapped out that shit, dripping in a cold sweat I was hyperventilating worse than ever .
"Chris, what's wrong ?" Brielle said awaking up next me
I was breathing so heavy, I couldn't even talk .
"Tilt your head back ."
That shit scared the fuck out, I started crying hard . She got up and got me a glass of water .
"Calm down, it'll be over soon ." she said handing e the glass, I grabbed her hand
I held it one held and wrapped her close to my chest with the other, she tried to pull away but I wasn't letting her go . My breathing soon settled down, I was calmer when I held her close .
"Don't leave me please, I'll do anything you want . Whatever you say, I'm sorry . This ain't no bullshit either, I can't be happy if I don't have you . I've cried so many damn times, it's nothing compared to what I put you through . I know you made up your mind, please babe reconsider please . Next time I fuck up you can leave me no questions ask, don't do it right now though please give me another chance ."
