My Step Brother

A HUGE THANK YOU

I have finally reached a goal that I thought was never going to happen. My story has over 1 million views, you guys don't understand the joy that that brings me. I have always been the type to give up on absolutely everything but My Step Brother has given me a piece of my confidence back. I have received some nice comments, some that weren't so nice, & some motivating comments that I will never ever forget. I want to thank every single person who supports me, every person that has taken time out of their day to read my story, that took the time to comment & vote. I feel like a thank you isn't enough, so for the big 1 million I want to share something with you guys. Something personal that I went through . A true story, my story.

I was 17 years old when depression hit me hard. I felt crippled, I felt like my insides were dead. Breathing felt more like a chore than a natural thing. My tears became my daily companion & my bad thoughts were always there to haunt me. On a cold November night I decided that I no longer wanted to keep living that way, I desperately wanted to end the pain. I took about 15 sleeping pills and swallowed half of a Bacardi bottle. The next morning I woke up in a hospital bed with my grandmother by my side & the worse hangover ever. Tears quickly ran down my face as I repeatedly apologized to my grandmother who has done absolutely everything for me. I automatically felt guilt. I was placed in a psych ward for 6 days. The first night I was to sick to react to the situation. I felt like I was in a bad dream, I couldn't believe that I had done what I did. I couldn't believe that I was where I was & honestly speaking I didn't understand why I was still alive. The second day there my heart felt heavy and I couldn't keep my tears in. I have never cried more than I did that day. I knew that what was going on was real, I knew that I had hurt my family & I knew that there was going to be consequences. The hardest parts were facing my mother who flew in from Georgia as fast as she could. A part of me felt like it was her fault that I was as sad as I was but I felt even more horrible because I knew that she felt the same way. I couldn't stop thinking about my sister, just writing this brings tears to my eyes. What would have happened to her if I would've left her in this world alone? Was she mad at me? Was she disappointed? Does she think I'm stupid? I didn't have the gut to ask her any of this. The day that she came to visit me in the hospital was amazing, she didn't treat me any differently. Which was exactly what I wanted from everyone, I didn't want to be treated like a victim and I definitely didn't want to be treated like an enemy. I wanted to be treated like a normal human being. Being in there taught me a lot, I spent most of my time writing. I couldn't stop thanking God and asking for forgiveness. I met a few people that I didn't keep in contact with but that I will never forget, with far bigger problems than mine. People that hear voices, people that have children that go visit them in there, people that have been there a million times. It was sad to me because those people felt good in there, they felt safe. While me ? All I wanted to do was go home and never ever go back in there. I made my self a promise... I told my self that when I ever felt like that again I was going to find other alternatives. Trying to commit suicide was something like a beautiful tragedy though, because it opened my eyes. After that I began going to group therapy which helped for a while but hearing other people's struggles made me feel bad for them and I was tired of feeling bad. I left the group and took my recovery Into my own hands. I worked bullshit jobs, didn't go to school, I went out every single weekend with my friends to get drunk. I started having sex & a lot of it. I loved it, it was an escape for me, I felt alive at the moment but soon after felt numbed again. I wish I could've said that I was "cured" but I wasn't, I was just immune to the feeling of feeling it all but at the same time not feeling anything. Is like I was numbed but I wasn't, I was dead but alive. I definitely wasn't living. I will never forget, I was 19 years old when I started to feel anxiety. One week I was good and full energy, that week I thought I was "cured". I felt untouchable, I thought that I could do it all. I knew something was very wrong when a week later I didn't want to get off the bed, didn't want to see or speak to anyone, I didn't want to see sun light. I felt like I was going crazy. Things were getting bad, very bad. Everyone was getting concerned to the point where I wasn't being left alone at home. I knew that I needed help. I got a therapist & I psychiatrist. I was diagnosed with bipolar depression, I was put on medication to stabilize my mood & to help me sleep at night. Life seemed "normal" for some months but I continued my bad habits, I still felt like something was missing. I was "normal" but I was not happy. Deep down I knew that I was still depressed. A part of me wanted to stay depressed because it was all I knew. It was all my body and mind were used to. I saw it this way, when I was going through a depression I knew that things couldn't get worse. I knew that I was going to be sad and that was that. But when I felt happy even for a day, for an hour, I couldn't enjoy it. Because I knew that I wasn't going to last and that eventually I'll be sad again. I had fully convinced my self of that. My doctor told me that I was afraid of my own success. He told me that I was afraid of being so good at something or having something amazing because I was afraid of something going wrong. & he was right. Fast forward to a few months, I had a one night stand with a friend of a cousin of mines. This happened while I was out on vacation visiting family for the holidays. On January 18th I found out that I was expecting. There I was single, very single, battling with depression, no job & pregnant. I was terrified. My grandmother was furious, I was forced to move into my mothers home in Georgia. I was pregnant and alone. Far from my sister, far from my friends, far from my cousins, away from my home. My mother worked 40+ hours a week so I was home alone most of the time. I know what you guy are thinking, that I was losing it. Want me to be completely honest? I had never felt more sane. Of course I had my days where I would cry to the point where I wouldn't pray to God to help me stop. I knew that I could no longer live the same life because I was soon going to bring one into the world. It wasn't going to be in the conditions that I would have wished for but everything happens for a reason, is what I kept telling my self. My life turned from black and white to colors. My sad nights turned into just nights. I had goals. I finally had goals that I wanted to reach. I had dreams that I saw my self living. Then I found out I was having a baby girl, my little Jolene. All I could ever think about my daughter. I prayed every single night. I asked God for the strength to keep going even when I think that I can't. I had finally found my purpose in life. I finally felt peace. I felt as if I had finally reached the end of that phase in life. I wanted to live. I write this as my beautiful daughter sleeps soundly on my chest. I went through one of the hardest things a woman could ever experience and I made it. But it's not over & I accept that it will probably never be fully over. Is always in the back of my mind but I am better, much better. I have accepted that I would probably never be fully "normal" or completely "cured". & I no longer want to be, because being normal isn't normal. & being cursed from a mental disorder takes years of self dedication. But I feel peace which is what I was searching for for so long. I take responsibility for my decisions. I've learned that no one was against me but my self. My daughter taught me how to love my self... But moral of the story is that just like happiness, sadness doesn't last forever. Everything in life is temporary. If today you feel like I once did I want you to know that you do have a purpose on this earth. I want to tell you that one day whether is a baby, a partner, a job, a doctor, a friend, even a stranger, something is going to make you feel so alive that you're going to view life in such a different perspective. You're beautiful & life isn't always bad and ugly. Please do what ever makes you happy, if writing makes you happy keep writing and never ever stop, if it's reading please never stop reading, if it's a movie keep watching it, if it's a song keep listening. Please never give up. I am here for anyone who is going through something tough in life please do not bother to message me.

As for My Step Brother sequel that is something that I have put a lot of thought into. I don't want to drag the story but I also don't want to leave you guys hanging so I decided to write a short part two of what ends up happening with this intense couple. I love you guys will all my heart I can't thank you enough ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Love Silver Leynah.