A.N.O.R.E.X.I.A [BxB]

Nine.

Dear Jack,

                This may sound strange to you as you do it so casually, but I’ve never actually written a letter to anyone before! It feels really weird knowing that I’m going to have to wait for you to read this, write your letter, and then give it to me. It’s so different from talking online or texting or speaking in person. I think it’s probably nicer, though, because you know that years ago when people couldn’t speak in person this was the only way to correspond; it feels like a tradition.

 I’m not going to write about why you decided to give me those letters, as I know that you will want to tell me about it from your perspective- and you will describe it far better than I am able to. Instead I am going to use this first letter from me to you to talk about some points brought up in your letters. I’m going to work my way backwards, from your last letter to your first.

 As I’m sure you now know, those occasions when we would bump into each other in the school hallways were very much of mutual pleasure. It makes me very happy to see you smile when you see me, because I have noticed that you don’t do that very much. Smile, I mean. Of course at the time I didn’t know why it made you smile or why it made me so happy- but you’ll write about that.

 I must confess that I didn’t necessarily add you on Facebook for any reason other than we had spoken in person and so I felt obliged. But when I said that you were a nice guy and that we should talk in person, I meant it. And I’m very glad we did. I don’t find it odd that you looked through my Facebook profile at all- I did the same to you! And I was also very pleased to see that we have rather a lot in common that we can talk about.

 In your penultimate letter, you wrote that you felt it necessary to document your outfit, so I shall document mine; I was wearing a light blue shirt over a claret t-shirt and grey jeans that day. I should also mention that I felt you looked very nice that day.

 By the way, how can you only have a cup of coffee for breakfast? I have a cup of tea, a glass of orange juice and two bowls of cereal! You’ll waste away, dear boy, eat up, eat up!

 As for Perks of Being a Wallflower, I haven’t read the book- but if you can keep a secret, I shall inform you that I cried at the film. Like, a lot. I’m sorry to say that I cannot help you with the mystery of why your sister felt it to be “too close to home”. Sorry.

 I must say, however, that I got rather annoyed with what you said in your letter next. You see, I completely understand the feeling you get when no-one acknowledges you and you feel a little… lost- but the fact that you felt better because someone verbally abused you… It made me very angry indeed. Because, as you said yourself during your conversation with Mr Hummel, you don’t deserve to be treated like that, Jack. No-one does, really, but especially not you.

 I like the fact that you now won’t have to glance up from your book at lunch to look at me. Nor will you have to sit alone anymore. And you have me as a friend now. Please tell me that you find comfort in that? You can talk to me about anything. I promise I’ll always listen and try to advise you, whether we’re talking in person or through these letters.

 In your sixth letter you wrote about how you used to watch people. I think everyone does that, to some extent- I know I do. I’ve never witnessed anything like someone being hit before, though. I don’t know about how people generally would respond to that, but I know that I would certainly find it to be a traumatic experience. I was surprised that you said you’d seen the woman’s expression on my face before. Most people think of me as a constantly cheerful person. Whatever issues I’ve faced, nothing that bad has ever happened to me before. I hope it never will.

 I have to go out soon, so I’ll have to finish this quickly- sorry. Thank you for the kind words that you wrote about me; I intend to return the favour in my coming letters.

 The most important thing to address, I suppose is my sexuality. As you know, I am gay, and I try to keep that a secret. But I know and trust that it is a secret you will keep for me.

 I’m glad me and my brother gave you that lift to save you from the posh boys. I’m also glad that your bag left behind that book in the corridor. I’m very glad for that event which I’m sure you will describe. But most of all I’m glad that you started writing these letters in the first place; that you saw my face and made up that story and now here we are.

 Onwards.

                Love,
                Toby.