Belief

7.9

Happy 2 years of wherever you are. September 23rd, 2013. The beginning of this chapter takes place on that day.

This time things are different. This time goodbye doesn't mean I'll see you in a month, or six months. This time goodbye means I may never see you again, it means this may be the last time I hold your hand against mine, the last time my lips touch your cheek, the last time my eyes close at your touch, the last time I can call you mine. There is a finality in the air and it isn't settling well.

In the end you have to hope the memories you've made, the feelings you've built up are enough to be remembered. When the days add up, when they see thousands of faces everyday for the next who knows how many years, when there are different people calling out their name, you just have to hope somewhere in the back of their mind you are still there. Still holding on.

If they forget, if my face is forgotten like the thousands they pass everyday, if I become just another person from their past, just another name on their phone, at least I know the memories will never fade from my own mind. Even if they forget, I will always remember the journey. I mean, if I remember then it isn't truly forgotten, right?

-

He said let's go one last time. Let's go to our place. Go to where everything started. Make our last memory where we made our first. End at the beginning, because then it's like a circle, and circles never end.

Ashton walks up to the ice cream stand, ordering me my favorite and joining me on the bench. The bench where the boy with the fringy hair who sat behind me in english class accidentally spilled ice cream on me years ago. The bench where our friendship started.

"It is going to melt if you don't start eating it," Ashton nudges my arm, my ice cream cone slowly melting.

"Sorry I was...thinking," I shrug off my thoughts and lick my ice cream.

"Let's not think for right now, deal?" Ashton wraps his arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him. I lean over and take a lick of his ice cream, making him giggle and yell at me, rubbing some on my nose.

"Get it off!" I laugh after Ashton smashes ice cream on my face. He just giggles, leaning over and licking it off of my nose. "You are gross!" I laugh, pushing against his chest, but he just pulls me closer and kisses me.

After we finish our ice cream Ashton stands up, lifting me up so I get on his back for a piggy-back ride. He walks us down the little path behind the ice cream stand. I just hold on to him as we pass through the brush and the trees. I hold my hands against his chest, rest my chin on his shoulder, his hands clutching my legs. I close my eyes, taking in the feeling of our skin to skin connection, the feeling of holding on to him. The path leads to the little clearing by the water side. Ashton lets go of me as I slide down his back and walk beside him. We walk down to the dock, taking a seat on the end and letting our feet dangle. Another one of our spots that held years worth of memories.

I hold his hand in mine, tracing every mark with my fingers. Clutching his palm against mine is when I realize that I am holding my world. I'm holding my source of happiness for the past five or six years, but I know in a few hours I won't be able to hold him anymore. I have to let go, I have to give him to the rest of the world because he is the source of happiness for so many others. When I let go, they will all catch him.

We sit in silence, watching the sun set over the water. I guess you could say the sunset represents a beautiful thing ending, the sunshine going away. Today is our sunset, tomorrow my sun will rise but this time I won't be the only one watching.

I rest my head against Ashton's shoulder. He doesn't break the silence until the sun is replaced with darkness and the lampposts flicker on.

"Madds," Ashton whispers, giving my hand a squeeze, "we can't put off the talk any longer."