New beginnings (boyxboy)✔

N.B 18

Rainier's POV

Ryan wasn't gay. It was the only thing I could think of when Julie and I drove home that evening. He wasn't gay. Our kiss didn't mean anything to him. I didn't expect it to mean something, but I'd hoped he'd enjoyed it at least.

He'd made the first move, so what did that mean? He wanted experience. Of course he wanted experience. He wanted to know what it felt like. He'd kissed me because I was gay and would be less weirded out than a straight guy would, and also because there were no attachments. He wasn't expecting me to be feeling anything for him- not that I was actually feeling something. Was I?

The kiss for him was long forgotten, so why couldn't I get it out of my mind?

"You are awfully quiet" Julie remarked.

"I'm tired, that's all", she said.

"Rainier you used to tell me everything, with Ryan you are so cagey. You can't tell me you are just tired. I saw the way you stormed out when Jasmine was talking about Gina. I saw your little moment when Ryan caught you. I saw the way you were looking at him".

"Spying on me?" I asked.

"It looks like I have to. You used to tell me everything. I can see Ryan has an effect on you", she said.

"I don't know what you are talking about", I said shrugging.

Julie didn't say anything.

"Okay, I think I like him. I don't know. I don't really know how I feel. Anyway, it doesn't matter; he's incapable of liking me back".

"What do you mean?"

"Uh Gina? You saw the way she was all over him. And he's straight Jules", I said.

Her mouth formed and 'o'.

"Anyway, I'm gonna put an end to whatever this is. I'm not going to ruin our friendship. Besides what he did he's a nice and funny guy. I like hanging out with him".

"Yeah. You are going out with Sebastian tomorrow. You should focus on that. Who knows? You might actually like him".

I nodded. Julie's words got me thinking about the date. I hadn't lied to Ryan. I was nervous about it. To me it wasn't just another date. It was the first date after the accident. The last dates I'd been on had been with one specific guy. Tristan and I had done the whole dinner and movie combo. I wasn't sure if the memories wouldn't come back to me, coupled with visions. If they did Sebastian would think I was a freak.

Sebastian knew about Tristan. Everyone knew about Tristan. Everyone knew the wreck I'd been after everything. They had tiptoed around me. But they'd moved on quickly. I didn't expect them to feel sorry for me, to grieve something they didn't even know. They did for a while, but got on with their lives as I was supposed to.

Everyone knew, Ryan didn't know. When he'd pulled up the picture of Tristan and I, I'd felt myself tense. Everyone who knew wouldn't have done that. Tristan was a no-go zone. I sometimes felt I could talk about Tristan, but everyone around me had just taught themselves not to even utter his name. Very few broached the subject...

"Ryan said he saw a picture of you and Tristan in your car"

...People like Julie.

"Uh, yeah", I said. It was as if she knew I had been thinking about Tristan. It wasn't surprising. I had become accustomed to it. Even though we were fraternal twins, we had some sort of communication between us. It was developed over years of spending every single minute together.