New beginnings (boyxboy)✔

N.B 9

Ryan's POV

Gutted. I felt gutted. It wasn't a new feeling, but it still stung. As I stood in the bathroom all by myself I felt like throwing things around. I almost did, but reminded myself it wasn't my house.

Rainier hadn't closed the door when he left, so I closed it.

I sat on the floor, having no courage whatsoever to show my face anywhere else. I was deeply disappointed. Something inside of me was crushed. Rainier had yanked out every little bit of good thoughts I had about him. He'd erased the joy I'd had kissing him with his words. He'd delivered a knockout blow.

It was over. The insanity was gone.

I was angry. I was disappointed. But the most potent of feelings I had was regret.

I'd snuck out of my uncle's house like I had planned. On my way to the party I was excited. I was going to let loose and possibly see Rainier. I got to the party and immediately jelled in with everyone. I subtly searched for Rainier but couldn't find him. I was disappointed, until he walked in. I was talking to some people when he did. I left in the middle of the conversation. I guess I had decided to let whatever I felt for him play itself out. It would die eventually.

I hung around with him for a while, getting him a drink that the other attendees wouldn't get. I knew I didn't have to do that. But I liked doing it. I like doing it for him, seeing him chuckle at my resourcefulness.

But then Jason called me. Jason was part of the crew. They had found a girl for me, like I couldn't do that on my own. They introduced me to her. I wasn't interested but I didn't decline. The girl-Gina- was part of the cheerleading squad and apparently available. They thought she would make a great member of the crew. She looked desperate to be a member. She was flirting up a storm. She wouldn't let me go. She was drunk, so I felt compelled to keep her from falling down, so I held her steady.

After a while I ditched her. At that time I could only think of Rainier. I had left him earlier. I searched for him but I couldn't find him. I finally found him standing with some guy. I almost became possessive, but decided I would give them time. When the guy left I swooped on him.

But then we got into a silly argument and he left. I felt bad about it so I went to apologize. I went beyond what I would normally do in that situation, but Rainier sort of drew me to him.

When he said he was leaving I sort of panicked and told him I had put something in his drink. I just wanted him to stay for a while. He agreed to go with me to get a headache pill and I was happy about it. I locked the door because I knew people were busy looking for rooms to have sex. I didn't plan on what happened. I didn't plan on kissing him. I just wanted him at the party, with me.

I regretted everything. Even the kiss. I hadn't regretted it at that moment of course. I could not have when his lips moved with mine slowly, teasing. I couldn't do it at that moment when our lips touched for the first time, when I felt like I had been transported to a magical place. It certainly could not be done when I felt the heat coming from his body when I pulled him towards me. There was no way I could regret inhaling his wonderful scent as our bodies touched.

Sitting on that bathroom floor, it could be done. I regretted everything.

Rainier had kissed me like he wanted to. At first he'd been hesitant and I didn't push. He'd melted against me, moving his lips with mine. But then he'd callously pushed me away.

What came next was a slap. He'd accused me of trying to rape him. I was a lot of things, but I wasn't a rapist. I would not have raped him, not him.

But he was just like everyone. He'd judged me before he even got to know me. He'd concluded that I was capable of rape. He wasn't the only one who'd thought that so I guess I did look like a rapist. My uncle was wrong, I couldn't escape my past.