The First Lost Girl

Chapter Thirty One: I Feel So Alone

Rufio's P.O.V.
I sat with my back against a tree, facing the camp clearing. I had my new rabbit skin clutched against my chest, the soft fur running against my collar bone and comforting me. Devin had given it to me last week. He had been around a lot more than he used to. He'd talk to me when everyone else was busy, and I appreciated that. In fact, he was here just a few minutes ago, telling me about a new spring he had found while he was out.
It sounded even more beautiful than the bathing spring was. Speaking of bathing, it had almost been three months since the last time I did, which meant that it was about time to go for another one. I chewed on my lip nervously just thinking about it. I wasn't very much used to being blind yet. I could hardly get around the camp without stumbling over a simple tree root. I mentally cursed at myself for being so clumsy.
I was able to do simple things like getting dressed on my own, and cooking without burning myself on the pan, kettle, or fire. But even that was difficult.
I closed my eyes, even though it made no difference anymore, and buried my face in the soft fur of the rabbit skin, breathing in deeply and trying to clear my mind if the fog that lay thickly around it. I felt like I couldn't go anywhere. I felt like I was trapped and there was no place out. Suddenly I felt a bit of cloister-phobia come over me.
I began to breath harder and stood up. This had been a long week and I was tired of being restrained. I walked quickly to the edge of camp. Then carefully, I stepped over the boundary line, and ventured out into the jungle. I didn't know where I was going, but I needed to be free, and right now, my freedom wasn't in the camp.
After a while of walking the terrain became rougher. My foot got caught against something hard and I fell forward, breaking my fall with my hands. I stayed in that position for a while, taking in as much oxygen as I could and then blowing it back out with a shaky breath. I felt like I couldn't move. Like I couldn't breath. I couldn't get control of myself. And it scared me.
"Rufio?" It was Devin. He was somewhere in front of me. "Rufio what's wrong?!" He asked, now by my side.
"Talk to me!"
"I-I...can't...!" I tried but I couldn't get it out.
"You can't what? What's wrong?!"
"I..." I quickly sat up on my legs and began to pull wildly at the strings of my corset.
"W-what are you doing?" Devin asked, shock and confusion sounding in his voice. I couldn't answer him. My mind was too clouded and confused.
I finally got the corset unlaced and I threw it off, gasping for air. I felt tears start to flow as I balled my fists and used it to brace myself against the ground in a crouch.
Soon my gasping turned into sobs. All of the shock and confusion and fear turned into flowing tears that I couldn't hold back.
I felt pressure around my shoulders and realized that it was Devin. He held onto me as I cried. My heart was still racing from the panic attack I had gone into, and my choked sobs were making me nauseous. I gagged. and whatever I had eaten that morning was now all over the ground. Devin held my hair back and cooed small nothing's to me, a bit of panic behind his voice. The poor boy, he probably had no idea why I was acting this way.
After a few minutes my heart beat was back to a normal pace. I took in a shaky breath and sat back up.
"Rufio? Are you okay?" He asked. I nodded.
"What was all of that?"
I coughed and shook my head.
"Here." He handed me his water skin.
I took it thankfully and gulped the refreshing liquid.
"You sure you don't want to talk about it?" He asked.
I hesitated for a second, contemplating wether or not I should vent all that I've been feeling like lately, to this boy here with me.
"I'm blind Devin." I told him. "And I can't do anything about it. I'm trapped in the dark. There's no one there. I'm alone."
He listened quietly as I talked.
"I feel like I have no reason to exist. I used to be able to run and play and hunt and swim...and now I can't."
I took another shaky breath.
"I feel so alone."
"Rufio, you're not alone." He said. "You've got all of us lost boys."
"Yes Devin. I have you. But I can't see you. Not being able to see someone...it's like they're not even there."
"Well that's not entirely true." He said. I turned my head in his direction, cocking it to the side as if to ask what he meant.
"You can't see me, but I'm here, and you know I'm here. That or your just crazy." He said chuckling.
I couldn't help but smile.
"Here." He said, taking the water skin and my hand, putting my palm against it. "Feel it."
I did as he said.
Taking it in both hands, I ran my fingers over it. I could feel each individual seam, lined up about a centimeter in from the edge of the skin. I felt the smooth leather, but not only that. I felt every etch and divot in the leather.
"Do you see it?" Devin whispered.
I let my imagination go to work, picturing what the material would have looked like. I smiled.
"Yes."