Just Because I Sell Myself... Doesn't Mean I Can Be Owned

If Only You Knew... How Hard It Is To Hold On

(Laylee's POV)

I clutched onto the young child, as she screamed out. I tried hushing her, feeding her, rocking her, and yet she would not stop crying. My head and heart were hurting. I was crying to. I did not love this child, i just wanted her to go away. I just wanted her to never cry. When i heard Esther's keys in the lock, i ran to the door. I handed him the child as soon as he opened the door and he looked at her. He cooed her until she was quiet. I stood exhausted and crying. What a burden. What a curse. I never wanted to hold her again.

"Here honey. Why you take her up to bed?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I never want to hold her again. I never want to hold her again. She cries too much and she fiddles around too much. I want nothing to do with her. I never want to hold her again. Do you understand me?"

"Don't talk like that this is your daughter for god's sake!"

"I don't know what she is anymore. You go put her to bed. Get her a nanny. I want absolutely nothing to do with her. Oh Jesus where are my cigarettes... Where'd you put them?"

"I threw them away. i thought you'd gotten past that stage."

"Give me the keys."

"Laylee..."

"Give me the DAMN keys!"

"Here."

"I'll back tonight."

"Don't go doing anything stupid!"

"Shut up."

I ran upstairs, got my wallet, and brushed at my hair. I applied some light make-up to my face, and threw on a tight skirt, and a pastel blouse. I put on some matching stilettos, and made my way out of the house. I refused to die from the torture of being a mother. I got into the car and sped out of the driveway. My first stop was to the gas station where i got a 24-pack of cigarettes. Soon after i gathered Genesis and Debbie. We drove to a familiar house downtown, and got out.

I would go back into business tonight. Just tonight. Or at least i hope just for tonight. Genesis, Debbie and I walked to the door and knocked. We were happily greeted by Helda. She welcomed us in, lite us all a ciggerette, and poured us some red wine.

"I heard you ladies gave up the night life."

"We just ummm, took a break."

"So what brings you all here?"

"We want a corner for tonight. We know YOU know where the most demand is at. I'm miserable, WE'RE all miserable. We just need to let our hair down tonight."

"Alright. Look here. This is the address. I usually only send my top girls here. You three go ahead and go down there. You know the cost though."

"35% percent of our earnings go to you."

"I'm happy to do business with you. Down chug that wine down and go, go."

"Alright Helda."

Being back on the prowl made me feel dirty. Never before had i felt dirty about what i'd done. The girls and i drove to the address, got out of my car, and waited. Not for long though. Business was booming that night.

I'd betrayed myself. I'd betrayed everyone. But it's so easy to break when you're in hell. No matter how hard i try, anything is better than all of that hurt. And what better then the things i'm good at?

I mean. I'm not completely wrong because of it.