to forget you

2 ; to acknowledge you

i saw you at the bus stop yesterday.

you were dressed in jeans and a sweater in the most casual way possible, but i couldn't take my eyes off you.

your head bobbed up and down as you listened to something, earbuds swaying around your neck.

my breath hitched as you looked my way, clear eyes piercing me like a knife, but it was only a passing gaze.

the air was cold and i remembered how much you love the cold.

because of that, i started running.

where, i did not know.

but i had to get out.

my head was drowning with unspoken waves of guilt and regrets.

what would life be like if i'd never met you?

i finally stopped in front of a café, cheeks red and tears streaming down my face.

i force myself to calm down and buy a coffee, black, i had liked peppermint cocoa, but that was your favorite.

when i spot a shock of hair that looks startlingly like yours, my breathing almost slows to a stop.

eyes wide, stomach clenching, i feel nauseous and sick.

but it isn't you.

just a stranger who bears the  same face.

the steaming beverage burns into my bare hands through the cup.

i hold on even when it becomes nearly unbearable.

i deserve this pain.

i lean back in my chair and reminisce, so many good times we'd spent together, memories now worthless as the scraps of paper on the floor.

midnight conversations to early morning kisses, you made life worth living again.

now you've slipped through my fingers like grains of sand from the beach.

i can't find the motivation to keep on living.

you shouldn't matter to me.

you still matter to me.

i know that.

i hate that.