to forget you

1 ; to hate you

the way your mouth lilts to the side when you smile makes me feel like the agar jelly we're supposed to be working with.

i can hear your laugh echo across the laboratory and i digress, for the beaker of contents i held has spilled.

just the sound of your voice makes my knees go weak again, i can still recall when we last spoke.

i stagger out the door as my lab partner yells at me to come back.

my mind is spinning, old memories brought back like the pull of the tide; i couldn't forget you if i tried.

believe me, i did.

but you were unforgettably, undeniably you.

you're a spark lighting the fire of curiosity in everyone's eyes as you glide through the halls.

everyone either thinks they know you or want to know you, only i really knew you.

but i got caught up in you all the same.

i don't know who said that if you play with fire you're bound to get burned, but i wish i'd known that sooner.

the cool water from the bathroom faucet drips down my face, mingling with the washed out traces of tears recently shed.

the mirror shows me unruly hair and dark eye bags.

i was never this bad before you.

i force myself to attend my last class...you're not there.

my only sanctuary from having a broken heart is the beating in my chest and pounding lungs gasping for air as i round another lap.

but then there you are, holding a camera for the school yearbook and documenting my class.

you blatantly ignore my presence of course.

my gaze bores into your face intensely and the twisting pain in my chest lets me know that i'll never stop missing you.

scuffing my shoes on the pavement i hold back a scream of distress. 

you're talking to someone else, someone better, probably someone without the emotional baggage I have.

and i tell myself, maybe it was the right thing to do.

maybe leaving was best.

not for me.

but for you.

i just wonder when i'll learn that sometimes being selfless isn't being selfless at all.