There is one, awful, terrifying thing about kissing your best friend in a pitch-black carpark at twelve 'o' clock without anybody knowing. And that is the panic of having no clue what you are.
Ever since we met in June last year, people have thought we were dating. There were rumours after our 'Lego House' reindition, after our duet came out, after Ed left my hotel room the morning after the Grammys. All this time, it's been purely professional- or as professional as it gets between two enormous dorks in their twenties. And now I'm not certain on how I should be reacting.
I never really considered this side to a relationship with Ed. I love him to bits as my best friend, but now that there's the idea of us being something more, I'm incredibly confused. How could I be in a romantic relationship with him, after all we've been through? At the thought of me kissing him, a funny feeling rises up in my stomach. Like nervous butterflies before going on stage.
"Oh my God," I whisper to myself, brushing through my hair as I stare at the panda bear on the shelf. How could it be only yesterday that he won me the prize, only this morning he confessed how he felt?
My phone is quietly playing on shuffle, currently an old James Taylor song from his debut record. In my cotton pyjamas, I put down the hairbrush and sit down. Not on the couch, but on the cold floor, with my back against the door. And I let my phone keep singing as I close my eyes and breathe and relax and think.
Maybe I need to start talking to Mom again. I've never given her the silent treatment before, and aside from clipped sentences when absolutely necessary, we've gone a month without talking. I can't keep going like this just because I thought she was being nosy.
And after everything, she's right. She saw the future and she warned me, and I pushed her away. How careless could I be? I run my hands through my hair, breathing out heavily. I'm not even really sure what this is anymore. Am I supposed to know?
Everything I've ever thought I knew has been proved wrong by one simple little thing. I feel like I'm on the very top of a rollercoaster in a rickety little carriage, teeting on the edge between safety and the drop. There are two options in this situation, and I can't decide which way is the right way out.
Safety. The comfort of knowing, of trusting that you'll always be friends and nothing will ever change. The utter same-ness of what Ed and I have always had is so familiar to me that pushing it away would be like burning the past ten months at the stake. How could I do that? Rolling back down the rollercoaster before the big drop seems like the only option, the warm bed and familiar blankets of home.
The drop. Not knowing what's coming, having no expectations because they're impossible to imagine. Feeling free, but always scared of all the possibilities round each corner. Kissing Ed has put me at the peak of the ride and now, seesawing between two options, I can't decide if I can go back or if I can really let myself go and do the unthinkable.
But what else is there? I've already done the unthinkable. I never thought I'd kiss him, and yet I made the first move. I kissed him and then I ran away like a scared little girl. Ed is my best friend, just a boy with ginger hair and a goofy smile, and yet I dared to cross the barrier between us. Even if it was for only a second. It changed me.
The door swings open, and my eyes land on the wall. In the doorway he stands there, wearing a tatty blue hoodie and pyjama pants, his eyes flashing in the dim light of my lamp. I stare down at my feet. It's only been five minutes. I'm not ready for a confrontation.
"Listen, Ed, I'm sorry, but..."
"Stop." This is the most blunt and forward I've ever seen Ed be. He plays the role of man-in-charge, even though I know he doesn't have a bossy bone in his body. "Can you just tell me if you care or not? Because I don't want to go to bed, not knowing what you think about me. I'll never get to sleep. I'll just sit there, staring at the ceiling, wondering, and you know that's the very worst kind of wondering."
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Red (Ted Sweeran Romance)
Fanfiction"Love is as easy as ABC." That's what everybody Taylor has ever known has always seemed to tell her. Her family, her friends, even some of her past lovers. But if she's knocking down the letters of the alphabet, Taylor's already at Plan G, and she h...
