Red (Ted Sweeran Romance)

7- G is for Guitar

"Break a mirror, roll the dice, run with scissors, through a chip pan fire fight..."

Somebody knocks on the dressing room door, and I tear my earphones out, letting the Arctic Monkeys die an unhonorary death on the bench. "Come in."

It's Ed, of course. Who else would it be? We're still on opposite sides of the big glass wall. I can see the old him, and he can see the old me, but we're both different now, and neither one of us is strong enough to break the glass. My gaze lands on the photo of us on the rollercoaster that I tucked into my mirror yesterday night, and I stare at our yesterday selves as he closes the door behind him.

Ed treads lightly, like every step is a step on broken glass. I feel like I'm the one who split the chasm in the middle. Even when the guilt is really all on him.

He takes a deep breath, and I stare down at my hands on the bench. "I came to say sorry."

A movie star line, spoken by someone who I thought was my friend. I've watched so many films in my lifetime that I know Ed's apology should spark a flame inside, and we should make up and run off into the sunset- as friends. But I stay strong. I stay staring at my hands.

"I think I might have freaked you out a little," he admits sheepishly, his cheeks flushed as he heaves himself up onto the bench beside me. My hands press against the marble next to his hip. "I was just being a dick, you know? Just messing around. I didn't mean to do... this."

And the way he loses his words trying to explain it, the way he is still so confused himself, tells me everything. Neither of us know what's going on, we don't even truly know what caused this. Ed didn't know when he said it, did he? He says it was only a joke. And yet, a few measly little words strung together have caused something unexplainable. A shift in the stars scattering the galaxy, maybe. Something different.

"Were you really joking?" I say. And it's true; neither of us know.

Ed says nothing.

"If you mean what I think you mean, if you're trying to tell me something important..." My gaze doesn't leave the skin on my hands, the marks from rings around my middle finger and bracelets around my wrist and the peeling red nail polish at my fingertips.

It's the firework that's been bursting in my mind all day. Words mean so little, until they mean so much. Maybe that's because we're not friends. "Are you trying to say you don't like me, or something else?"

"It's not that," Ed sighs. And he sighs again, as if he has the right to be all huffy with me.

"I never did anything to you, so don't sigh and get all grumpy!" I protest, suddenly riled up.

"Okay, okay, calm down. I'm sorry. I'm just... tired," Ed explains, as if his excuse is enough. "It's been a long day."

"A long day? For you?" Finally, I look up, staring him right in the eye. "I don't even know what's happening."

Ed breaks my gaze first, staring down at his tatty Chuck Taylors. We should really be trying to resolve our issues, so there's no tension on stage tonight, so we can pretend for the fans that everything's fine. But something inside me has snapped. I'm not an actress; I don't want to pretend any more. I want my best friend to be honest with me.

"Look, Taylor, I like you a lot," he announces, looking at any spot he can find away from me. "In both ways, though. I'd love to try dating you properly, but I'm okay with not. If you don't see me as more than a friend, that's okay. I'll go back to seeing you as just a friend too, and this will all be in the past."

His honesty flows out like a gushing river. In fact, I regret wishing for honesty, because it all hits me so fast. And before today, I would have said no to him. But I've been thinking more and more about Ed and I together in a different way. And I don't know what I feel, because I don't know how he feels.