Breaking Louis Tomlinson {Larry Stylinson AU}

Prologue

A/N: My first Larry fanfiction... Hope this doesn't turn into complete rubbish.

trigger warning.

 If Louis had to describe his life in one word, he would say—complicated.

Complicated.

Everything about Louis was confusing to himself and others. He didn’t know who he was yet, or who he wanted to be. He didn’t understand himself. But above all, he didn’t understand his sexuality.

Louis had been struggling to come to terms with his sexuality since year seven. It’d become quite obvious to him at that point… Girls just weren’t his cup of tea. Sure, they were cute, and somewhat entertaining, but they didn’t arouse him like boys did. And it confused Louis.

Shouldn’t he like girls? His best friend—Zayn—could hardly get enough of them. He was always talking about how fit they were, how nice their bodies were, ect. Louis would feebly agree, even though he didn’t crave women like Zayn. He would rather have a nicely-toned man as opposed to a full-figured woman.

And it drove him mad.

He constantly tried to convince himself that it was just a phase. All boys go through some type of confusion—right? It’s natural. A part of growing up. That was a soothing thought to him for about the first year, but then things weren’t changing and he had to slowly come to the terms with the fact that he was gay.

 

Gay.

 

The word had such a negative connotation in Louis’ mind. Gay people were universally hated, always struggled with their image, and were never fully accepted. There was always that group that picked on them, that threw rude insults their way. Louis knew he wouldn’t be able to handle that—he already had poor self-esteem. So what did he do?

He kept it a secret. In fact, he kept three little secrets. And that was the first.

He hid it from everyone. His mum, his dad, his sisters, Zayn—no one knew. Louis was quite good at acting straight and hiding his little secret, so no one ever suspected. He’d even had a few girlfriends, and they were pretty good distractions. They kept Louis satisfied, and helped hide his secret.

But Louis was still so bitterly unhappy. He hated that he couldn’t love who he wanted openly, he hated that he couldn’t be himself. He hated that he had to keep everything a secret—it hurt him. Louis slowly began to lose that self-assurance he always possessed. He stopped feeling comfortable in his own skin, he stopped being happy.

 

In short, Louis became depressed.

He didn’t even realise the change that happened to him until much later. It didn’t occur to him that he might, in fact, be depressed until he began thinking of self-harm. The idea took root in his mind and blossomed until he started to put it into action.