The Black Winter

Chapter 43

Joans pov
After the incident, I've just been laying in the hospital bed. Everyone left, except Bucky that is. He still hasn't talked, and I couldn't love him more for that. It's now well past midnight and I can tell that Bucky is tired.

"Just go to bed. I'll be fine," I simply state.

"No, I'm staying up with you," he says, thinking about his words. "I'm here for you, if you want to talk," he adds.

"It could have all been over for me Buck. Everything, with just ten fucking words," I sigh. All I feel right now is pain. Every square inch of my body is in pain. But my head hurt worse than anything.

"If they got to that last word, that would have been it for me. If I turn into the Black Winter again? I won't be able to turn back into myself, and at that point, I don't know if I'll want to," I explain

  "What do you mean? Who's they? And why won't you be able to turn back?" Bucky asks.

  "The void, I guess. That's what I've always called it at least. Part of my programming as the Black Winter, is every one of my handlers is in my head," I explain, the last part coming out shaky.

  "What do you mean?"

  "They will always have a hold on me. Because of my powers, they have engraved themselves into my head."

  "What's the void? Can you explain it to me?" Bucky asks sweetly.

  "It's more like a feeling, I guess, a memory. When I was younger, they would lock me in a pitch black, sound proof room with no food or water for days. Me and the other girls called it the Void. It stimulates the brain to help you focus, we used it to find people, to find the enemy. My handlers used it to their advantage. Each handler would engrave themselves into my head, I blocked it out, until Ivan unlocked it again."

  "How did he do that?" James asks.

  "I don't, I don't want to talk about it," I tell him looking down. With my hand, I brush against the top of my hair line. I can feel Bucky's eyes on me, but I push it aside. "Basically, I can hear their voices. They can, talk to me, almost. I've always had one mission, one mission that never dies. To kill anyone who's a threat to Hydra. And the Avengers are the top threat."

  "Do you know your words?" Bucky asks.

  "Most of them, not the last one though," I reply.

  We both sit there in silence for a moment. Both of us not sure what to say next.

  "We both know how dangerous I am James. If I-''

  "It won't-"

  "James, if it comes to it, you need to kill me. Ok? I don't want to be Her again. I can't handle it," I tell him, tears threatening to fall.

  James grabs my hand and forces me to look at him. I take in his deep blue eyes, they always showed love and kindness, ever since the beginning.

  "It won't come to that doll," he reassures me. "I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that Steve or Tony do anything. Even if we have to run away, we will. I love you, I always have and always will. You are my sunshine," he says.

  "My only sunshine," I finish for him. We both smile and look away. "If, if you do have to end it, look out for Anastasia for me please. She's a very special girl and she's been through so much. I only want what's best for her."

  "Of course," he says with a smile. "Thank you for talking to me. Are you ok that I tell the others?"

  I nod and he nods back. He goes to get up, but I grab his hand before he can leave.