The Black Winter

Chapter 9

Joan's pov
I go to turn onto my other side. I open up my eyes and see the top of James head. He, actually stayed with me. I haven't actually slept in over a week. Besides getting drugged or shut down, I haven't slept in for ever. And the fact that I didn't get woken up by a nightmare, was incredible.

"No one came in," he says simply, still looking at the door.

I turn onto my back and let out a sigh. "Thank you."

  We both stay in out position for a while, before either of us moves or talks. The one to break it, was me surprisingly. I got up so I could change my clothes. I go into the closet and grab out a long sleeve, skin thigh, black shirt along with black jeans.

I head into the bathroom and change. When I come out, I see that Bucky is still staring at the door. It reminded me of a dog. How they wait at the door, waiting for their owner to come back and feed them. I walk over to Bucky and squat down in front of him.

"Sorry, I'll leave," he says standing up.

I stand up and watch him for a moment. Something was wrong. "What's," should I ask? It's none of my business. If he wanted to talk about it he would have. I look up from the floor and see that he is now looking at me with a look of keep going. So I do. "What's wrong? You have something on you mind."

"How much do you remember?" He asks.

"About what?" I ask.

"Before Hydra, your time with Hydra. How much do you remember?" He asks.

I think for a moment, trying to gather my words. I haven't talk this long to Bucky since the talk I had with him and Nat about not telling everyone about who I am.

"To be honest, not much. The memories come back when I sleep, and before that, I haven't slept in six days. I try not to think about my past and everything that has happened. To be honest, I still follow the same rules for the most part. I think it's cause I still can't believe that I'm out," I say with a sad half smile.

"I get what you mean. About the habit parts. But, why don't you want to remember?" James asks.

"You had someone who remembered you, someone who wanted the old person back. I have no one. Everyone I knew is dead. Steve wanted you to remember the times you two spent together, you had a reason. I don't. The only thing I would be able to remember would be death and pain."

"What about the times we've spent together? Was that bad?"

"I don't remember much our time, so I couldn't really tell you."

"You and I, you looked out for me. You kept me alive, you kept me going. You and I would spend nights together. We shared the same cell for a while. When I would get hurt, you would patch me up. And when you would come back from training, I would help you calm down."

"Maybe it wasn't all bad, but when I remember it hurts like hell. I know I should like pain, but I can't. I know it's supposed to help me but-"

"Joan, that's Hydra talking. Pain isn't something you should like. It isn't something you should grow a custom to. I'll help you, because I want to see the real you. Not the one that Hydra trained you to be. Let me be there for you, like you were there for me," James say.

He's now holding the sides of my arms. Not in a hurting manner, but in a loving one. Then, something inside me switches. For a moment, I feel like I have been in this position before. I felt something I didn't know was possible, I felt love. Then, our lips meet each others and I practically melt into him.

Then I pull away. This couldn't be happening. I turn my back towards him and let out a sigh.

"I-I'm sorry Joan, I didn't mean to," he stutters.

"This can't happen James."

"Why do you always push me away?" He asks.

I look to the ground and hang my head. I let out a sigh and wrap my arms around my torso.

"It- it doesn't matter."

Then, James grabs my shoulder. I turn my head to look at him.

"Talk to me."

"I'm not capable of love. Even if I was, you wouldn't want me," I tell him, sorrow filling my voice.

"But I do want you," he fights back. "I know that there's something else," he adds.

"I'm afraid," I say shyly.

"Of what? Hydra? The team?"

"No, I'm afraid of hurting you. I'm afraid of what would happen if I loved you. I'm afraid that I do love you." I'm now facing him, both of us only inches apart.

"I'll protect you Joan. I know I didn't before, but I promise that I will now. I love you Joan, and I'm not willing to let you go," he says.

I believe him when he says this. What if I did let this happen? Would that be selfish of me? Am I allowed to do that?

"Look, I just ask that you give me a chance," James says.

I look down and let out a sigh. Then, I look back at him. "Ok," I smile.

As Bucky and I make our way out of my room, we make our way down to the main hangout room. As we walk in, everyone is already down there by the couches. Even Rose.

"What is she doing out?" Tony yells.

"She's not a prisoner," James snaps back.

"You can't just let her go! You don't know what she's capable of!" He snaps.

"Actually, I do. You all need to calm down," James says.

"All it took was one word to take you, Nat, and Rose out. Or did you forget about that too?"

"Tony, enough. It's fine. She did what she thought was best," Natasha says standing up.

"Look, as much as I hate to admit it, I don't think she's the one we should be questioning," Natasha says.

"Steve, I know Joan, she wouldn't betray us like this. Besides, if she wanted you all dead, she would have done it a while ago," Bucky says.

"How much do you really know about her? Did you get her files?" I ask, leaving everyone stunned.

"What are you saying?" Rose asks.

I move from leaning against the counter and over to Rose.

"How long were you actually with Hydra? Huh?" I ask.