Clean Slate

Chapter 12

I spent every day after that at cheer practice, and my days off I went home and practiced our dances.

The only day I would miss was on Tuesday, the need to spend time with my grandma over powering my desire to go to cheer.

Again, being a saint, my dad agreed to take me home before he had to go coach football practice, sighing as we sat in the after school traffic. "Maybe you learning how to drive wouldn't be such a bad idea."

I smiled. "Should I start picking out a car?"

When I got home I thanked my dad for the ride before heading inside, my grandparents on the couch with Matthew.

"Hey pumpkin." My grandfather stood up with a little difficulty, walking over to me. I met him halfway with a hug, his scent and plaid shirt feeling comforting.

"How was your trip?" I asked, my grandmother now standing beside him, waiting for her turn.

"Nearly got cut short." He placed his hand on my cheek, examining me. "You feeling okay?"

I nodded. "Better than ever."

He smiled as my grandma began to embrace me, the lines on his face deepening. His grey hair matched my grandmothers, and so did his smile lines and crows feet. I knew that there were years and years of love and laughter behind those wrinkles.

"Hi honey." My grandmother said, stroking my hair gently. "I've been waiting all day to see you." She rested her hands on my shoulders tenderly, staring at me with green eyes.

I smiled. "I've missed you both so much."

"You up for a game of checkers?" My grandma asked, a grin on her face.

A few minutes later we were sitting out back on the porch, my grandma and I sitting in padded chairs around a glass table with a checkers board on it.

It was a brisk fall day, so the pool was covered and the entire backyard was covered in golden leaves, my grandma and I both dressed in sweaters and jeans.

Luckily, it wasn't too windy, so we were able to play without our pieces blowing away.

I moved one of my pieces to the edge of the board, knowing it was safe there. My grandma bit her lip as she pondered her next move.

"You're better at this than I remember." She said, moving her piece into a neutral spot, neither of us being able to jump the other.

I smiled. "I don't remember the last time we played this."

"I don't know if you remember..." My grandmother was looking at me instead of the board now, her fingers fidgeting nervously. "We had a fight a few days before you got into the accident."

"We did?" I had no memory of it, but I hoped to god that I hadn't been to harsh on her. "What happened?"

"I was concerned about you.." My grandma seemed ashamed, her cheeks flushed with color. "I thought you were going down the wrong path."

I frowned. "Why did you think that?"

"You told me you were thinking about quitting cheer because of Carter, you were going to all these parties and getting hungover and your mother couldn't see it because she was so busy but I could..."

She looked like she was on the verge of tears, so I reached over, holding her hand.

"You stopped exercising so you started to gain weight, so you stopped eating to combat it and you just-" She put a shaking hand over her mouth, making my heath ache. "It's good to see you alive again. You know?"

I nodded, tears welling up in my eyes and my throat feeling tight. "I'm so sorry I put you through that."

She shook her head. "No honey you have nothing to apologize for, i'm just glad you're better now."

"I am." I assured her. "Can I tell you something?"

I needed to talk to someone about it. I didn't trust my mom to not tell my dad, and I knew my dad loved Carter. Really the only person I wanted to confide in about anything was my grandmother.

She nodded, "Anything."

"You can't tell my parents, or anyone."

My grandmother held up her pinky, and I held up mine, our fingers locking together for a moment before I spoke.

"I can't remember anything about Carter. Nothing. Zero. It's like he's a stranger to me and everything else in my life is kind of starting to add up you know?"

My grandma nodded. "That could be a trauma response from the crash."

I hadn't thought about that, and that fact made me feel less guilty about not knowing my own boyfriend.

"Well a few weeks ago I accidentally walked in on Owen having a solo hockey practice and I don't know, it felt good to be on the ice and talking to someone. Plus maybe if I got closer with Owen it would give me memories of Carter."

My grandma nodded. "So what's the problem?"

"The guilt. I think he feels it too, he hasn't talked to me since that day and I don't know, I feel like i'm a bad person. I just can't remember Carter."

"Oh sweetie that does not make you a bad person, not even close." My grandma shook her head. "You know, Carter is just a boyfriend. You guys didn't get married. No one says you have to be with him."

"I'm going to let everyone down if we break up. Including dad." I sighed, running a hand through my hair. "But hanging out with Owen doesn't make me a horrible person?"

"Well as long as you don't kiss him." My grandma shrugged. "If you want to do that you gotta end things with Carter first."

"Oh no it's not like that." I clarified, not even wanting to picture Owen that way. "Owen doesn't even like me that much, he still remembers me as this like evil person. I just want a friend that I feel like i'm not dissapointing."

"You feel as though you're dissapointing people?"

I nodded. "I'm not the same person I used to be, I know that and so does everyone else. I know i'm letting Ava down and probably my parents..."

"Uh uh. Nope." My grandma shook her head, patting my hand. "You are so mistaken. Maybe you've let Ava down but me, your grandfather, and your parents are all in awe of who you've become the last month. It's like the accident reset the last year and you're back to your old-old self. The kind girl who didn't let popularity affect her and who wanted to spend time with her old grandma."

I smiled, and I felt like a weight had been lifted from my chest, from my heart. Maybe I truly was myself.

"This past year you weren't happy anymore, you had no time for us. And now your light is back. And honey you look so beautiful." My grandma placed a hand on my cheek, a tear rolling down my cheek at her words. This is what I needed, how could I ever not have time for her?

"So yes, give Carter a fair chance until New Years and then after that, move on. Don't go back to that dark place. And go skating with Owen, it's good for you."

"You think so?" I asked. It was tuesday, meaning Owen would be the only one at the rink tomorrow.

I wondered if he would even let me in after how he's been acting the past week, or if the doors would be unlocked. I wondered if he had been waiting for me to come back.

My grandma nodded. "You lit up when you talked about it."

"But Owen's been acting so strange, what if he doesn't want me there?"

"Then that's his loss." My grandma shrugged. "But then you won't wonder what would've happened if you didn't go."

I smiled, nodding at her wisdom. I felt like she said everything I needed to hear, I needed to know that I wasn't letting anyone down.

Suddenly I didn't want to be my old self, and I would do everything in my power to not go back.