The Devil's psychiatrist

I promise I still care

Gavrel

I look at Leonid as he runs away. I look at myself in the glass of the shopping window. No, I do not look scary at all. Right.....Well, the first thing I used to say "Do not be afraid," but in most of those occasions I wasn't bumping into somebody. I was doing some....more important activities. Why would the little psychiatrist be so scared? Maybe I should check on him one way or another soon. Hopefully it is not Samael's fault, hopefully Samael hasn't done anything stupid. I look at the streets and try to find some piece of joy. I close my eyes, trying to prevent my tear from escaping. I take a deep breath and smile. I want to cross the street when I see a young boy wanting to cross but almost getting hit my a car. I grab his collar and pull him back. the boy looks at me with his big blue eyes he cannot be older than four. I kneel, he smiles an adorable toddler smile. "Where is you mum? Or your daddy?" He doesn't answer and only laughs. I frown, I look around if I see any panicked parents. After asking a few people if they are his parents a woman runs up to me. "Oh, o my little one, why did you run off like that!" He says with tears in her eyes as she hugs the boy. "He's okay, just teach him to pay attention when corssing the street." I say with a chuckle. The mum grabs the toddler and smiles. "Thank you sir." The little boy points at me and says the first word he has uttered till now. "Angel." I smile and wink, the mother laughs and thanks me again. Sometimes the world can have it's tiny moments of joy. Why must they always be so tiny?

I look at the wine, such a beautifully tempting red. Both a blessing if delivering merriment and a curse when abused. I smile, it is almost like power, the power a messiah could have. I dig my nails into my palm, blasphemy Gavrel...don't you dare follow in his footsteps. A little voice in my head laughs and says: As if you are not already doing that. I can't help but laugh at myself, I walk towards the mirror. I make eyecontact with myself. My eyes are ethereal but also look like I want to die right now. I smile at myself, mockingly. I am a pathetic excuse of a son, a pathetic excuse of a person. I take off my blouse, revealing my emaciated chest. The two scars on my ribs are strangely comforting reminders of one of the last merciful acts I have witnessed by father. I trace my hand over my damaged worldly body. I can't help but want to cry, I want to forget, I want to be free. Give me a shred of freedom and I will be happy for eternity. I just want to be in control for this once in my life.

I grab a syringe and hesitate. It's hurting me, but the feeling, how exstatic it makes me. How much I want to forget, I want to feel numb while feeling so much joy. I frown and feel a tear in my eye, I close my eyes and wish to be strong enough. I am such a disappointment, mikhail was right, everyone was right, I do not belong, I never will. someone opens the door and I immediately drop the syringe, I kick it under the dresser. Nobody is allowed to know any of this. I look at the door, it's Samael.

I smile. "How are you?" He shrugs and grabs the wine from the dresser and immediately takes a sip. "That was mine." He nods "And now it's mine dear." He says with a smirk. I roll my eyes and put on my blouse again. "Could you clean some of my scars? The weather is...." I nod and he doesn't finish his sentence. I fill a bowl with lukewarm water and get a flannel, "Do you have a specific antiseptic you use?" I ask he shakes his head but he does hand me a bottle of it. I only nod. "Which ones?" I ask as he lowers his shirt. "The back ones." I nod and dip the flannel in the water before carefully cleaning the scar. Sometimes he flinches but most of the time he is painfully silent. "Gavrel....." He says. "Hm?" "I am sorry about yesterday." I nod, "I'm sorry too, I reacted a little too harshly." He nods. "Want me to wash your feet too?" I say when I am done as a joke. "Haha....funny bible reference....." He rolls with his eyes. "You should take better care of them Samael." he shrugs "It kinda is your fault they're there so you could take care of them for me." I feel a sudden anger in me and turn around. "It was your own fault, your own flaws, your own weakness, your own choice and responsibility that brought you those scars." I say with a stoic face. Mad at him for daring to blame me for his own stupidity. I wash my hands. "Pride comes before the inevitable fall." I say as I look at him, I already feel so responsible for this. Why did he need to rub salt in the wound? Perhaps because it truly is my fault? Was it my fault? I never meant to hurt him. He looks at me with tears in his eyes and tucks his short black hair behind his ear. "You sound like father. Or even like Mikhail."

My world slows down. I sound like father, no...even worse I sound like Mikhail. I cannot sound like the one I despise most. How could I ever sound like him? I feel myself hyperventilating and I close my eyes trying to focus on breathing normally and not getting angry or annoyed. I decide to switch subjects and act like that didn't happen. "Did you know I was miserable when you left?" I say with tears obstructing my normal voice. "You never explicitly told me, but I guess I was aware. Does Mikhail still..." He doesn't have to finish the sentence "Yeah, and do most of the others do it too. That's why I have chosen this position, it's not as involved with the other's as other positions. It allows me to live my life in the little soltitude I have." "And Habichael?" "She's still wonderful, just like Nathaniel, but those aren't in the higher ranks as you might know." He shakes his head. "I promise I still care about you." Samael smiles. "You're far too good not to.....we both know that." "Do you still care?" He stands up and leaves the room, failing to give me an adequate answer. But at the same time, I hear his answer loud and clear.

I sit down on my I look up at the ceiling, denying the tears in my eyes. I bite my lip and take a deep breath before simulating a smile. "You're alright" I whisper. "That he didn't answer does not mean he means no." But I know all too well. He meant that he does not care anymore.