The Devil's psychiatrist

Session one

Samael

"So samael, may I ask what your childhood was like?" "That's quite hard, because I have never been a child technically. But when I was young....I was happy but I was always a bit, mischevious and some of the other angels used to make me feel bad for them. But father liked me, he really did, so that was always great. But as the earth progressed and more and more animals appeared he became incredibly distant. Till only the oldest angels saw him sometimes. But I felt......like he left us." Neo nods and frowns as if he knows what's it like. "How did that make you feel?" I take a deep breath, these things are not normal for me to speak about freely. I've always been taught to feel guilty about the jealousy I felt back than. "I felt, jealous, angry, alone and most of all I wanted to know what I had done wrong I could not imagine how angry he must've been to......disappear like that and change the way he ruled. He became merciless, angry, scary, the archangels would enforce it and I began to fear father. Which fuelled my rebellion. I wanted to know how far I would go till he would care about it. My brother had that same attitude untill the human question started...." Neo nods and looks at me, I see sweat on his forehead and he seems to have trouble breathing. "Are you okay?" He nods "About the way it fuelled your rebellion, did you do it to anger him? Or did you simply wanted to be noticed so it didn't matter whether it was positive or negative." I take a deep breath and wipe away a tear. "the second one." He nods. "was it sudden that your father disappeared? Were you mad some of your brothers were still allowed to see him?" I bite my lip and cover my face, "He has forsaken us, forsaken his creation! He....left us! He just left...." I shake while I feel the warm tears. "I forgot what love is. I forgot what touch is, I forgot mercy and I forgot humanity. I forgot the things I once valued. The things he taught me." I can't stop crying. He looks at me and gives me a tissue with a wry smile. "All those things are somwhere deep within you, if you once was able to do that, you still could." I look down and begin the sentence that has been deep inside of me a long time but I have always been too  utterly afraid to say. "I am scared that what humans say about me is true, that I am a monster. I am vile, I am evil, I feel like I am going insane trying to tell myself I am not because I damn well know I am. I am not good, there's this awful festering feeling within me that just wants to be the worst I could be. It destroys everything.....and still I have this stupid foolish hope that I could be good, angelic, how I was meant to be. While I still know I am not. It feels like I lack emotion while I simply have too many......does that make sense doctor?" He smiles, he looks surprisingly kind and warm when he is working, his black hair on his shoulders and his legs neatly crossed, his face painted with a compassionate smile. "The willingness of becoming a better person makes a person already a better one." I smile "You are awfully kind Doctor." "Is it alright if we pick this up the next time Samael?" I nod and stand up, "thank you Neo." He shakes my hand, strangely not afraid at all. I don't know whether to be happy about it or not.

Neo

I close the door behind Samael and sit down at my desk. I feel my eyes getting heavy as I try to my best not to fall asleep but eventually I fall asleep.

I look at the statue of me, however beautiful it is it is absolutely scary to see as it cries blood. This is what I am supposed to look like when I grow up. The long black hair is beautiful but looks strange as part of it is tanged into the bone crown. It feels like my life has been planned out for me, although I have never chosen to be like this. I look at the marble coloured wings the only coloured thing is the blood coming from my eyes. "Shepard....." "Yes little lamb." "Am I a sacrificial one?" He chuckles. "Why would I ever sacrifice someone as important as you?" I look at him. "What am I?" He kneels and puts his forehead on the back of my hand. "You are a saviour, a man that will lead us into the heavens that we will be able to rule, you will be heavenly my angel." I shudder as the tears in my eyes. I am his property, that are the rules, as long as he lives I belong to him, even when I run away. He runs his cold hand along my face, I look at him with an arrogant, sanctimounious and emotionless face he has taught me. I am so scared of this man, but he will never know.

I wake up. I look on the clock, two minutes. I smile, not too bad. I stand up, I need some kind of support right now and the only thing I can come up with is church. Strangely I haven't been to church in a long time while I know a lot more about faith than many other people. I walk through the streets and while there is a lot of wind I feel extremely hot. I think I am getting sick. I enter the church, it's my first time in this one, it's a historical cathedral. The first thing I see is an enormous stained glass artwork of an angel. I look at the person depicted, long white hair, extremely androgynous, his chest is bare, he is strangely thin and a white toga is draped over his body, his head surrounded by his beautiful halo and his beautiful almond eyes turned upwards. His hands down blessing all of us. His angel wings confuse me, instead of the normal gold ones or white ones they are black as coal, making his beauty even more radiant. I am taken aback by the art, it seems strangely modern and it is beautiful. It is do beauticul, but what most confuses me is that I seem to know that face. How do I know that face. The knot in my stomach urges me to leave the church and obey it.

I walk quickly through the streets when I bump into someone. I fall. "I'm sorry." A voice that sounds vaguely familiar says as he grabs my hand to help me up. "Thank you, I wasn't paying attention" I say apolegitacally When I look up. The boy from the stained glass window looks at me with a genuine smile. I can't talk, I stop breathing, I know this boy, this is the boy in the tree, I would recognise my saviour anywhere, the thing that freaks me out is his age.......he must be around nineteen. Still. He can't be real. I stand up and back away, afraid of this ghost. "Are you alright?" He says with a frown as I start to run away. What is this fresh hell of hallucinations?