10 months, 10 chances || Minsung

08

"Since I got you in detention, how about you choose where and when we start the project?"

Minho and Jisung are currently sitting in Jisung's kitchen, while they eat what they cooked. Juwoon long time forgotten.

Until a noise from the door can be heard.

Jisung hesitantly looks up, meeting the cold gaze from his father. He's scared because he doesn't want Minho to find out anything that's going on here.

While Juwoon starts to go closer, Jisung puts his slightly trembling hands under the table.

"Made some dinner for me too?"

"It's in the microwave you just have to warm it up."

"Good. Jisung you know how I think about having friends over"

"He was just about to go, I'm sorry" he looks at Minho with an apologetic look plastered on his face, then he walks Minho to the door stepping outside with him.

"I'm sorry for him, I thought he works late again"

He really did, and now he thinks that he was so so stupid for it. He knows what would happen next, as soon as he shuts the door. Minho won't be there to help him and it's not like Jisung would want him to witness it.

"It's totally fine, I'll see you tomorrow. And text me because of the project"

Jisung nods and shuts the door and then he slowly goes back to Juwoon, mumbling I'm sorry.

"What, you think I'm gonna beat you up now? I was actually thinking about it but you see. He's your friend now, or do you fuck with him? Either way, you know that everyone around you gets miserable, if I would beat you up, you would get what you deserve now, but when I'm not doing anything you'll watch him get miserable because of you, and I think that's a better punishment than my fist in your ugly face. This boy is a really bad influence, I bet he wants you to get fat so everyone sees how disgusting you are"

Cut. Cut. Cut.

Every word, filled with so much anger and venom, felt like a cut in his heart. He's right, getting beaten up isn't half as bad as this.

Jisung just goes to his room, contemplating that a shower wouldn't be bad now. His emotions are just overwhelming him. It feels like there's something in his chest, ready to explode if it continues like that.

There is this feeling, right in his chest and it grew every time someone was rude to him, and it's growing since a really long time now. He doesn't know what it is, he just dislikes it.

But every time he's with Minho, it feels as if it would disappear. Even if it's just for some seconds.

And as good as it feels, he doesn't want to harm Minho with his presence. He should distance himself, that's what he thought as soon as he looks in the mirror of his bathroom.

Is he really that ugly, like his father tells him? Maybe he should go on a diet, he should've never eaten dinner today. Earlier when he was with Minho it was tasty, he liked eating something. Now all he feels is guilt. He really is getting fat, isn't he?

One last look in the mirror and he gets into the shower. What he feels isn't like a little cloud of sadness that will go away if he just waits for the sun to come out. It's like a big wave that threatens to swallow him into the depths at any moment, it just needs one step.

And when he used his razor blade this night, he didn't use it to shave. He used it to allow the wave to take him.

And that felt utterly good.

But when he steps outside the shower and starts to dry his body, realization hits. He had done something he promised himself he would never do. He ruined is beautiful pale skin, he used his thighs as a canvas to draw all of his anger on it.

If his dad wouldn't punish him, he had to do it himself, right?

Just with the difference that the punches didn't leave cuts and blood.

When he looks down on himself, or down on the cuts which are already starting to produce new blood, he felt the pressure in his chest coming back. Followed by a sickness in the pit of his stomach, which makes him throw up.

He feels so so disgusting. Why did hurting himself have to feel so good? And why does this feeling go away so soon, but is replaced with guilt?

Maybe he should just do it more often if that's the only thing, besides Minho, that makes him happy. He possibly can't always be around Minho now, can he?

When he's finished to puke everything he's got to puke, Jisung slowly starts to treat the cuts, having the worst thoughts in his head.

At least he doesn't have to think about losing the weight he gained when he ate with Minho anymore, since it's all flushed down the toilet now.

Some time passed when he finally gets up to lie on his bed, everything feels so much for him, so much to bear that he can't endure it. And it doesn't just come from the front, it comes from everywhere.

How could he describe those emotions? It's all like a total mess. Just like someone went inside his room and mixed up all his stuff so it looks like a tornado was there, just that the tornado was inside his head. Not his room.

Everything feels numb, is he really making everyone around miserable? He possibly can't be such a burden, so he feels the need to change that.

Maybe he could start with the project, to be at least a little bit useful.

And when it's around 2am, he's finally finished with the task he had to do.

It felt good to think about something else than him being a failure. And since he was already on the project he could just text Minho that they could meet up on Saturday in a cute little café that he remembers.

Of course he wouldn't get a response this late, but maybe he would have a message from Minho when he wakes up.

And even though he worked so much, hung out with Minho and was happy a little amount of time, it always goes away. Happiness is never going to stay.

Even though you see the sunshine, there's never the whole sun to be seen. It always has a cloud with itself which hides the sun as soon as you feel a little hope and try to touch the sunshine.

He just feels numb now, maybe Minho is his sunshine in this life. He always makes him feel less like a failure and at least a little bit happy.

But when they're apart from each other, no one's there for Jisung to help him, not even his dad. And that's the worst. Why would he even consider wanting help? It's a waste of time anyways.

He doesn't want to kill himself, he just doesn't want to exist anymore.