Fever dream • JJ Maybank

𝐁𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐝𝐚𝐲

Shoupe drives me to my house. I wonder if I should ask him why my mom didn't come or if she is okay but I couldn't even look at him, he was the reason my friends are dead.

"Haley" Shoupe says as he stops by my house "what?" I asks annoyed "I know you hate me, but if you need anything, I am here" he says

"Like you were there for John B and Sarah?" I asks and he stays quiet and u walk away

"Mom?" I asks as I come in, hopefully waiting to hear her voice "Haley" she says "mom?" I asks confused as I search her inside the house

"I heard Sarah and John B died" she says "and why didn't you come? I needed you there" I says holding back tears

"tell me something" she starts as she stands up and walks towards me. Somethings is different about her, the look in her eyes is different.

"Are you the reason they're dead like anyone else?" She asks "mom, stop" I says, barely knows what she talking about, I think she might referring to Peterkin, but I don't like where this is going. "like you killed Peterkin? Like you killed your father?" She says the last words loud

"What? Mom what do you mean? What's going on? W- what?" I asks with panic as my heart goes drops "Do you remember the night you came back from the station after the cops caught you? Before you ran away?" She asks

"Your father killed himself a few hours later, because you screamed at him that he's a bad father! That he is dead to you! It's your fault!" She raises her voice, she never raised her voice at me before

"No" I says as I felt tears in my eyes, he might have been a cunt, murder and piece of shit but at the end of the day he used to be my dad, and I am the reason he's dead.

"You're crying? You feel bad now?" She says "I loved him! And you killed him" she adds "say something!" She yells "what do you want me to say? Huh?" I asks with tears

"I want you to live with the pain and I want the guilt to eat you inside, I want you to feel my pain for fuck sakes" she says "mom what happened to you? You've never talked to me like that" I says

"You are poison, everything you touch gets ruined. Peterkin, Sarah, John B and your father, they're all dead because of you" she says and I shakes my head "stop it, please" I begs with sobs

"you know, I loved him, and you took him away from me. you killed him. You ruined me Haley" she says "I didn't mean for any of this to happen!" I says

"Does it actually matters? Will it bring anyone back?" She says "I need you right now, please mom" I says trying to reach out to her "you ruined me Haley" she says before walking away

I breaks down in the living room, not knowing to do. I am so sick of hearing more people are dead because of me

She's right, I killed him.

I could have saved Peterkin if I wasn't a coward, I couldn't saved John B and Sarah which is not better. I can't save anyone.

And my dad... my dad is my fault. I don't think I regret what I said to him, he deserved to hear that. But I do regret the decision he made after that, that was lead because of me.

I just caused so much pain.

I just can't feel this pain anymore, I don't want to feel anything actually. It's just too way much that I need to process and I don't know how