Like Starlight and Wine (A Baldur's Gate 3 Astarion x Tav Fanfic)

20. Stargazing

Tonight the sky is dazzling. Shimmering. The heavens are an indigo canopy sprinkled with a thousand points of silver light. I don't think I've ever seen such a clear night sky... or seen so many stars at once.

I stand in the middle of camp, staring up at them, studying them closely as I let my mind wander. I replay the events of the day over and over again in my mind. So much to think about. So much to take in. The tadpoles in our brains; they appear to give us the ability to influence others who also have the parasite, but the power seems one-sided. Somehow, ours are different than theirs - special. It's equal parts fascinating and terrifying. Moreover, why did that goblin in the village refer to me as True Soul? What in the Hells  does that even mean?

As my eyes absently traverse the expanse of the sky, my mind eventually turns to the matter of Shadowheart. I'm not exactly thrilled to find out about her Shar worship, but to each our own in our little band of misfit adventurers. How can I judge? I'm almost certain I was someone or something horrible before the nautiloid - before I lost my memories - something much worse than a Shar worshipper. Perhaps I still am...

"It's quite the sight," Astarion's voice is low and enticing, breaking through the silence, shattering my thoughts into a million pieces.

He's leaning back on his bedroll next to me, relaxing into a reclined position. I don't know how long he's been watching me, his ruby eyes peering up at me through the fringe of his long lashes, but once I am aware of his gaze, I suddenly feel an uncomfortable sense of self-awareness.

"The stars, I mean," he says facetiously, though his eyes on me say otherwise. "I could take or leave your chin."

"They are beautiful tonight," I agree, trying to ignore the way his gaze grazes over my body. I suspect he's working me again, and I don't want to be the fool who falls for it.

"I can see the stars from Baldur's Gate of course," he muses. "But not with such clarity. It got me thinking - reflecting on what the future might bring. In the following days when we find the druid, will he know how to bring the worm under control? Will this little adventure of ours be over?"

"Aw," I tease. "Will you miss me?"

"Ha!" Astarion laughs in spite of himself, getting up from his bedroll to meet me on my feet. "Why not? You've been to the Hells and back. Survived the crash. Survived everything that's followed. I'm not easily impressed by people, but you're stronger than I gave you credit for."

"Well, don't be so impressed," I say blandly. "I'm just trying to survive... like you."

"Yes. We're more similar than I thought..." His voice trails, his eyes becoming unfocused as they wander the length of my body, sending a surge of heat coursing through my being. Is he still fantasizing about the way my blood tasted the other night? Or perhaps he craves something... more carnal? I refuse to believe it, but his hungry eyes make it hard to imagine anything else.

"A-are you feeling alright?" I ask, breaking him away of whatever odd fantasy is currently playing out in his head.

"Hmm? Oh, um... I was leagues away," he says, flustered. "I just need to... get some air. Clear my head. I'll see you later, I'm sure."

As Astarion stalks out of camp to take a stroll through the wilderness, I decide that I could use a little head-clearing myself. The man knows just how to make my dark heart stir, and it unsettles me. Though I know next to nothing about my shrouded past, I'm quite certain I've never felt like this before about anyone. It's all so new. And I'm so utterly naive. I know I'm nothing but a walking target for people like him. I shouldn't let his charms get me so worked up. I know I should resist them. But somehow I can't seem to resist them completely.

 As I pace through camp, trying to cool my head on this tranquil night, Lae'zel makes a passing comment.

"A fine evening, don't you think?" She's unusually soft-spoken tonight. Unusually calm. I guess there's something about the stars tonight that is bringing out the softness in all of us. "The moon shines warmly on us," she says. "The breeze caresses our faces. Hideous. All of it. Would that I were doing battle up there, among the Tears."

"You want to do battle up where?" I say in bewilderment, Lae'zel's contradictory words throwing me for a loop.

"Look above," she says. "Watch the moon across the sky. The Tears follow behind it. Rocky bodies tumbling through the Sea of Night. One of them is my creche: K'liir."

"Are all githyanki from the Tears?" I ask, now intrigued.

"Your curiosity is to be commended," she replies. "Githyanki are hatched in creches all throughout Realmspace. K'liir is one of many. It's there I first saw a kith'rak mount a red dragon. Where I slit my cousins throats at the varsh's command. But enough of this. You are wasting your resting time. Come dawn, we resume."

---

Later that night after my companions have long since turned in for the evening, and the roaring camp fire has dwindled down into a pile of glowing embers, I lay awake, watching the sky. My eyes trail the arm of stars that slither and snake through the night sky like a river of light, and the disc of the moon as it slides across the heavens. I'm peering past it with my lids squinted, trying to see if I can make out those 'Tears' that Lae'zel told me about earlier. But I can't make anything out. All is drowned out by a sea of stars. 

Even though the reality of her story was all quite horrific, she made it sound so poetic. The horror that is me is poetic too. The way my dark blood sings to me - the way it shows me how corpses can be beautiful; how their viscera and gore turned inside-out can bloom like a field of red roses; how pools of coagulating blood can shimmer in vivid color like a painting.

No matter what my companions are made of - vampire spawn, Shar worshipper, ruthless warrior, no matter whatever other dark secrets they have in store in the future, there's no way that any of them can compare to the horror that is me. My purpose in life... my very existence... whatever it is, I'm pretty sure the world was better off without it.

Tonight I don't sleep, not that it's anything unusual. My mind is too full of thoughts, and the stars are too bright. I lay awake in my bedroll, eyes wide open, running from the demons in my head. And as the night slowly slips away into the early morning hours, Astarion finally returns from his walk.

He is as silent as a shadow, yet I can feel his presence through the darkness. He is careful not to wake us as he steps gingerly through the middle of camp, his boots making no sound against the dirt and gravel. He thinks we are all asleep, and he is trying not to wake us. He is an expert in stealth, but I know he's there. I can recognize that aura anywhere. And feeling him so near... it makes me want to reach out to him... to grab hold of the edge of his shirt to anchor me down... make me feel grounded as my mind spirals into darkness yet again.

But I don't. I can't bring myself to seek comfort in him, no matter how much I want to. We're not that close. I'm pretty sure all he'd do is scold me for wrinkling his outfit. Besides, does a monster like me deserve comfort? How many countless people needed comforting from the wretched things I'd done to them? Hundreds? Thousands? My memory won't permit me to know... or maybe I'm just too afraid to go looking.

I remain silent as Astarion slips into his bedroll next to mine. I keep my breaths even, and sluggish, so he doesn't suspect that I'm awake. But with Astarion so close to me, I feel those calming breaths become less and less forced. I feel my muscles relaxing, and my coiled thoughts unwinding. Even his presence near me seems to be enough to quiet the screaming chaos that is my mind. With Astarion's presence nearby, I am surprised to find myself slipping into a dream... one that does not involve death, blood, gore, or a pile of corpses. For once, I get a few hours of much needed sleep before the morning sun crests over the horizon.