Ineffable Family

Chapter 18

PLAYLIST:

Scars by James Bay

What The Water Gave Me by Florence and the Machine

TW: labor and birth process begins here, and it's going to be intense.

"Yes, my Lord," Crowley answered respectfully. Better to be overly-solicitous than piss off Satan when he was being reasonable. "I want to strike a deal so you leave me and my family alone in exchange for the information I have."

Satan hummed thoughtfully. "I am open to negotiation."

"Thank you," Crowley said, trying to keep the relief from her voice.

"Don't thank me, I don't give two shits about your little clan, I'm just sick of dealing with you. What information do you have?"

"Someone disobeyed you."

"Yes," Satan snarled. "And I will find out who."

"I can give you their names, their leader, and the identity of your newest resident, in exchange for you and all the agents of Hell to leave Aziraphale, the baby, and me alone forever. Those are my terms."

"That's it? That's all you want?

"That's it." Crowley tried to sound breezy. "No contact, and no consequences for defending ourselves from freelancers. I want a signed contact."

There was a pause, and some muttering. Then a piece of charred parchment appeared on the dashboard, just as the Bentley pulled up outside the bookshop.

"Are these terms amenable?" asked Satan, sounding as though he couldn't believe he'd just said it.

Crowley snatched up the parchment and read it carefully, keenly aware of Muriel and Aziraphale staring at her. Finally she nodded. "Yes, my Lord, I agree. Making my mark now."

She licked her finger and pressed it to the bottom of the page; a snake sigil appeared with a hiss. A moment later, the outline of a death moth appeared next to it.

"That's your copy to keep," Dagon piped up unnecessarily.

"So mote it be," Satan intoned. "Now, uphold your end."

"You're gonna love this," Crowley said with just a hint of demonic glee. "Hastur colluded with Heaven to lead a strike force to kidnap me. Heaven was going to take my baby and raise it into a weapon, while Hastur got to drag me to Hell and torture me."

"HE WHAT?"

"I'm not done." Crowley breathed through a contraction, clutching Aziraphale's hand; luckily, the beings on the line thought she was pausing for dramatic effect. "Archangel Sandalphon has Fallen and is on his way to Hell right now."

Satan laughed. It was the sound of death and sadness and anger all rolled into one, and it went on and on. Finally, he stopped. "Oh, Crowley, you wonderful thing. You're an absolute shit demon, but you never fail to surprise me. Sandalphon...oh, he and I go back. We'll have such fun."

"I thought you might."

"I accept our negotiation completed, and hereby vow to uphold my end of the bargain," Satan said cheerfully. "And I think I got the better deal. I wish you good luck, because I never want to deal with you again. Ciao, you monumental pain in my ass."

The radio clicked off; "Love of My Life" played softly through the speakers. Crowley looked over at Aziraphale and grinned. "We're free. God blessed us, and Satan agreed to leave us alone. We're free."

Aziraphale hugged her. "We're free, my dear. Now, let's get on with the business of meeting our daughter."

~~~

The cheer didn't last long. Crowley was in so much pain that she couldn't stand. Luckily, it was two in the morning and there was no one around to see two angels dragging a miserable demon into the bookshop.

"I'll get her upstairs," Aziraphale said to Muriel. "Could you please cast a soundproof miracle around the downstairs? Also put the shop back together if you can—you know how it should look."

"On it, Mr. Fell."

Aziraphale carried Crowley to up their bed and set her down. "Crowley, I need to examine you. See how far you're dilated."

Crowley nodded. Aziraphale gently guided her legs into position and conducted the exam, trying to cause her as little discomfort as possible. When he was finished, he covered her with a blanket. "You're only four centimeters dilated. You need to be at ten before you can push."

"Shit," Crowley breathed. "At least I didn't have her in Heaven."

"There is that." He touched her stomach and cast a pain-relieving ward. "You're going to be fine, my dear. Tell me, what do you need me to do?"

Crowley took a deep breath and thought about it. "A hot bath. It's supposed to help with the pain, and...I smell like Heaven. Like that jail cell."

"I assure you, all you smell like is you—but you're right, it'll help with the pain." Aziraphale kissed her forehead and got up. "Don't go anywhere. I'll be back."

"Where the fuck am I going to go?!"

Grinning, Aziraphale went to run the bath. While he waited for the tub to fill, he texted Paul, never mind that it was the middle of the night.

labor started early. 4 cm dilated. can you get here soon?

no, Paul answered, and Aziraphale's heart sank. im in Glasgow @ a lecture series. not due back til 2morrow.

Aziraphale wanted to scream. He couldn't ask the young man to leave; his future hinged on his education. But it had been hundreds of years since Aziraphale acted as a midwife. What now? What the fuck would they do now?

when is your train?  he asked.

12pm.

Shit shit shit! The angel thought quickly. I can buy you an earlier express ticket

ok, Paul replied. let me kno. i'll keep my phone on &help as much as i can frm here.

thanks. Aziraphale stuffed his phone back into his pocket ,turned off the water, and went back to his wife. "Ready?"

Crowley started to say yes, only to break off with, "I'm going to puke."

Aziraphale handed her the wastebasket just in time for her to vomit all the water and manna she had eaten in Heaven. She drew a ragged breath, coughed, and threw up again. She'd barely finished when a contraction came. Aziraphale held her tightly, casting another miracle.

"Is it supposed to hurt this much?" she gasped when it was over.

"The bath will help," Aziraphale promised with a certainty that he didn't feel. "I'm going to carry you, don't even bother arguing."

She didn't argue, just wrapped her arms around his neck until he lowered her into the steaming bath water. She sighed and closed her eyes. "Feels good."

"I hope it helps." He cast a ward to help her pain, then sat on the floor. "Having the baby in the tub is an option, if you think that would be more comfortable."

"I'm a snake, not a fish, angel."

"Just a thought. I've been in contact with Paul," Aziraphale told her, deliberately vague. "He wants us to keep him updated."

Crowley nodded.

"I wish I could make this easier for you, my dear," Aziraphale whispered helplessly.

She gave him a wan smile, her first in days. "Just having you here makes it easier. We're with you." She turned her head to kiss him properly. "And you'll keep us safe."