From Strippers To Hookers

Caitlin- 1998

Here is where my attraction to another girl started.

After attending what I felt like was a good few Chinese schools that I never understood what was going in because Chinese isn't my first language. At the age of 7 or 8, my parents finally moved me to an English- speaking primary school.
After learning that nothing was really helping with Chinese primary schools. 

At this primary school, I got my first ever crush, surprisingly, on a girl.

It was a co-educational primary school.

I had no what it was about this girl that I was attracted to.

I could have been attracted to her because as a child, I would role play my Barbie and Ken dolls. To me, the Ken and Barbie dolls were the definition of perfection in terms of physical appearance. Flawless white tanned skin, hazel, blue and green eyes, and white teeth.

This is something very rare to find in an Asian city. Caucasians who live in Asia.

In this primary school, there would be maximum maybe 5 kids who were not fully of Asian decent. With Caucasian skin, there would be maybe 4 at the most, in each class. In the complete Chinese Schools, there wouldn't be a single Caucasian child in the class. Well, not one that was Caucasian looking but spoke Chinese fluently.

Living in Hong Kong, but Chinese/Cantonese also not being my first language. It was hard to fit in in school. When I finally got moved to a school that English is the main language. I was thankful. But unfortunately for me, I still wasn't able to fit in. But it was better than the Chinese school, at least I could understand when people were talking. Here is where I saw so many Caucasian kids for the first time, in a classroom, in an Asian country. Not visiting, living.

Her name was Caitlin. She had blue eyes, ginger hair, and freckles.

I don't think I had a lot of conversations with her. She and another girl were the only 2 Caucasian girls in my class. They stuck together all the time.
Unfortunately for me, myself and the other girl... did not get along very well. Don't remember what the reasons were. But I remember I just tried to stay on her good side as much as possible.

Why did I like her?

I have no idea. Possibly because she was nice to me a few times and a nice girl.

One day, not being very smart. But also, not thinking that anything was wrong with expressing my feelings.

I told a girl from my class whilst on a field trip/excursion that I Loved Caitlin.

Yes, I used the word Love.

Since within the Asian culture, at least during the 90's. Having an attraction to the same sex is not a "norm", and is definitely not what you are taught, in growing up.

Of course, every kid starts looking at you differently. Especially in a city where having the same sex attraction is not the norm.

There is a quote from a movie that I watched a couple of times, "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve".

Next minute, the girl I told, runs back to the class laughing and tells EVERYONE in my class.

It of course gets to Caitlin.

She didn't come up to me to question.

But me thinking of "smart idea", I admitted to her that I have feelings for her. Again,  used the words "I Love You". Even though I was only around 8 years of age.

It would've been great if the feelings were mutual. But what can you do?

Can't force someone to have feelings for you. It's just not the way it works.

But I do still remember her turning around to me, after I said the words "I love you". She says, "But I don't love you".