Dear You

22

Dear you older you,

My mind is racing right now with many possibilities. Of different futures we could have as friends or as lover, but somehow, however this ends I oddly know that in some compactly you will still be in my life. And wow thats a long sentence and the writer in me wants to fix it but I'm going to leave it. I'm nervous and scared that this letter might jinks everything. I've notice people, unknowing of my letters, seem to walk away afterwards. So please don't. I've pictured my life before, like my future. Haven't all girls at one time or another. Fantasized about a life we might live. So I've pictured my life with you. And I like it, I could be happy. And perhaps that sounds bad using could, but I know with you I would be a kind of happy that would make me content with life. I've experienced something with you that I have not with others. We have reached a level that I was scared to breech but with you for some reason it came easy, although it might not always seem that way to you. I'm not brave in this area I'm very unknowledgeable and inexperienced. But I enjoy making these new experiences with you. And I'm going to try to be bolder with it, but give me some time. There is something I've been dying to try with you, and maybe, hopefully soon, I can try it. I'm digressing though and should return to the topic at hand. Somewhere along the way I've caught feelings but it's different. Maybe it's because I've gotten older and I'm more established. But I don't feel the teenage need to be in contact every minute of every day. I don't mind the way we communicate, although I do wish you would do it a little more. I also wish I saw you more often, like in the beginning but at the same time I'm okay with it. Is this maturity? Is this how starting relationships happen? But we had a difficult conversation recently and your words were confusing and your actions even more confusing if I'm honest. Your eyes always tell me the truth, and I know you were holding back. I just wish you would say it. Or maybe I should be thanking you for considering my feelings even when I was ready to crush them. Regardless, I wasn't completely satisfied with the end of our conversation, although our night ended very good. I guess I expected something different, and maybe like you said I'll end up getting what I want, who knows. All I know is that I know I finally needed to write to you. To get some of the craziness out of my head. To slow my self down and take things as they are. So here I am allowing my self to write the crazy fantasies I'm having of a life we could live. Allowing my self to process and calm the anxiety with in. I will take this step by step at whatever pace we set. I will try to be braver, once in my life I was, you would have liked that me even more, I know others did. But here is to a new day and new changes and new patience. I will try my best, don't give up on me yet. Because I'm definitely cheering you on in your corner and doing things I normally wouldn't. That go against ever grain in me. So please don't make me the fool.

L.K